Author: Kirby Headrick

*In reality the swatter costs $19.85 and was only stocked at the store located rather far away.

Cobbler landed in the next city only to discover he was too late, the entire city was completely gone. The destruction was so thorough that there weren’t even any signs that there had even been a town in this location. Cobbler had failed to stop the angry fly mob even though he set out with the intentions of helping them as to stop them when he failed. Suddenly it occurred to him, he was in the wrong location, the city had yet to be destroyed and thus he hadn’t failed to fail yet, he had just plain failed to do what he set out to do. If he was quick enough he could hopefully get to the correct location and correct this failure which would mean he would have to fail some other way which would hopefully mean failure to destroy the city. With renewed hope and loss of meaning for the word fail, Cobbler flew off towards the distant mob of flies.

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Joe regained his composure to find they had reached the end of the path and now were at the peak of the mountain. Before them was a large pedestal with the magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers perched atop it. Joe approached and asked his question
“I seek a way to stop the indestructible radioactive tsetse flies, a method to destroy their unstoppable rein of terror. My quest has lead me though great perils to you, the magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers, which I know ask for your aid.” Trembling Joe picked up the magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers and turned it upside down, peering into the window for an answer. After what seemed like at least twelve years (which in reality was only 14 thirds) the ball finally revealed an answer:

“The indestructible flies can only be destroyed with the fly swatter of ultimate power available for $34.99 plus at your nearby world saving supply depot*”

With this new knowledge of how to save the world from the terrible flies Joe was eager to head out to save the world but before he could Chernobyl grabbed his arm. “You can’t leave just yet I have to ask the magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers my question but the pedestal is too tall for me to reach, you must help me.”
Joe didn’t want to wait but felt he must as Chernobyl had saved him from the nefarious puddings of unknown flavor twice and Joe wasn’t quite sure how to get down form this mountain on his own. Thus with an impatient sigh he picked up the magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers and handed it to Chernobyl, who proceeded to ask his question.
“Oh great magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers, I have come with a question of the utmost importance. It has been my quest for years to find the answer to this great mystery. My quest has sent me to all corners of the earth but no matter how far I traveled the answer always eluded me. No matter how the distance I journeyed the answer was always a few steps ahead. But now I come to you, the magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers, to finally obtain the knowledge I seek. For my mission has shown me that only the most wise and knowledgeable thing could possible know the answer. Thus without any delay or reservation I ask my question: Why do all signs forbid flowers?”
The magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers started to shake violently. It rose up in the air and started to glow with an eerie blue light. Suddenly the glow disappeared and the shaking stopped and the magic-8 ball dropped into the hands of Chernobyl. Joe and Chernobyl looked down as the answer slowly rose to the top.

*a minute (pronounced my-newt) is a metric unit of time, there are 1,000 minutes in a day

Florg Stunt Cow 2 arrived at the identity adoption center, a dreary place that collected discarded and unwanted identities that had been abandoned or lost by their owners. Upon walking in Florg Stunt Cow 2 was greeted by a person who looked like multiple people.
“Hello sir, welcome to the identity adoption center. I will be with you just as soon as I file these new arrivals.” At this the clerk opened up some file cabinets and rummaged around. As time passed the clerk started to look like a smaller and smaller crowd until the clerk closed the drawers and turned back to Florg Stunt Cow 2 now looking like just one person. “Sorry about that, someone just abandoned a pile of identities and they had to be safely filed away lest someone steals them. Identity theft is a major problem out here. Now then how can I help you?”
“I came here to adopt an identity, my current one has been corrupted made much much better. What I mean is my current identity has gotten replaced with a much less more favorable one. I mean I need one to replace this terrible one for a costume party”
“Well you should know that adopting an identity requires lots of work most people don’t realize how much extra work it can be. However I think we have just what you need, we just got an identity in last week that won’t have a permanent home until next week, you can take it and try it out to see what it’s like and if you still think you can handle the extra responsibility then we can work out a permanent solution. Plus this is a great identity to have for a costume party, everyone will recognize the new you!” The clerk walked into the back room and shortly afterwards a mountainous thing looking vaguely like the clerk rumbled in. Before Florg Stunt Cow 2 could react the thing lunged out towards Florg Stunt Cow 2 knocking him out.

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Chernobyl and Joe trekked onwards in the tunnel. It was slow going as the tunnel was a steep climb and it was too small for Joe to do anything but crawl. Chernobyl also liked to stop every few minutes* to eat the “delicious looking dirt” which caused significant delay. As they journeyed on the pace picked up thanks to the tunnel becoming larger and less steep and the dirt looking much less appetizing. With every bend they rounded Joe hoped it would be the end of this long and boring tunnel, but he also hopped that they would be more tunnel for he did not want to face whatever was ahead that had scared his radioactive traveling companion. Thus with every corner they went around Joe a mix of relief and despair, it was like having a wave of relief wash over you only to realize it was actually water intent on making your socks soggy. The constant feelings of suspense followed by happiness and grief was too much for Joe to take and thus he decided to stop paying attention to anything that was currently happening and figured he would tune back into reality when something finally did happen.
Joe’s mind started to wander to much more interesting and happy things such as his collection of pocket lint. It was Joe’s favorite collection, so much more varied than a collection of paperclips, more exciting than a collection of mops and so very much safer than a collection of ninjas. His collection had started out with humble beginnings as a pile of lint he was too busy to throw out, but form there it grew into the third largest collection in the local municipality. Joe was about to check his pockets to see if there was anything he could add to his collection and perhaps even bump him up to number two when he suddenly realized they had traveled out of the tunnel.
Chernobyl and Joe were now high up on the mountain close to the summit. Before them the path was blocked by a large blob of very diabolical nefarious looking magenta colored pudding. The magenta pudding started to move on it own towards Joe who was paralyzed with the thought that he most certainly did not want to know what flavor this magenta pudding would be. Chernobyl did not suffer the same paralyzing thoughts, the moment he saw the pudding he was excited as to what this new brightly colored pudding would taste like. With the pudding focused on Joe Chernobyl was able to sneak up behind it and grab a handful of the enticing looking goo.
“Wow, this stuff is good it tastes just like…” exclaimed Chernobyl before he was interrupted by a shriek from the magenta pudding.
“None may know the flavor of the pudding, should anyone dare speak it they risk total annihilation of this and many other worlds!” The pudding then fled down the mountain in a squishy flash of almost pink. Joe stood on the trail entirely bewildered as to what just happened, he had no idea how or why knowledge of pudding flavor was tied to destruction of multiple worlds but he figured he should stop thinking about it lest he throw off the apparently delicate balance that seemed to be in place. Chernobyl, eager to continue on the now clear path, grabbed Joe and started up the trail, hopping to soon reach the magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers or perhaps some more exotic colored pudding.

Despite being forced to work in an extremely dangerous tunnel deep underground against his will, Aaron was rather enthusiastically “mining” “chips”. The chip executives were unsure why Aaron was so content to be confined against his will in the dangerous chip mine but they were too busy overseeing the mine exploration projects which would hopefully result in new flavors to care about one gruntled employee. They should have been paying more attention however, for despite Aaron’s outward appearance of content forced labor he was actually plotting, plotting a way that would allow him to not only escape, but to take these most delicious snacks with him.

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╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚╝╚

Joe continued to stare at the ominously glowing (chocolate) pudding. He wanted to look away, but every time he tried to do so he was struck with how unnatural the (chocolate) pudding was and he would be frozen again by the desire to not know its flavor. With Joe completely frozen in place the shadowy figure leap into action, jumping out from behind a conveniently placed chunk of camouflage and grabbing Joe. The figure fled into a nearby cave to avoid the enraged pudding’s chocolaty projectiles.
When Joe recovered from the effects of looking at the ominous pudding, he found himself lying down in a dark tunnel. Joe sat up only to discover the ceiling was much lower than anticipated and as a result knocked himself unconscious.
Joe awoke to find himself in a familiar tunnel. It was just like the last tunnel Joe had found himself to be in except in this one Joe had a headache. As Joe’s eyes became adjusted to the dim light he noticed there was a glow coming from up ahead. The glow felt much less evil and dangerous than the glow that had been coming form the pudding and thus Joe carefully crawled down the tunnel towards the light. As Joe crawled onwards, the tunnel became more lit and Joe was able to discern more details about the tunnel he was in. The tunnel was exceedingly boring looking, the walls and floors had no distinguishing features unless one counted lack of distinction a feature. The ceiling despite having rendered Joe unconscious earlier was even more boring and non-descript than the floor and walls, which ranked it as the most mundane building feature Joe had ever seen, beating both the wall o’ bland and the doorstop of extreme unremarkablility . Joe tightly closed his eyes and continued down the tunnel, afraid to open them lest he be exceedingly bored.
Joe crawled onwards for what seemed at least three feet (Joe is extremely conservative when it comes to distance estimation, it counters his liberal estimations of the flow of time) when he heard an unusual sound. The sound was so strange and bizarre sounding that Joe figured it must be interesting enough to counter the very boring tunnel and thus he opened his eyes. What Joe saw before was indeed remarkable, the sound was emanating from a rather small (compared to Joe) squirrel shaped statue (which happened to be quite large for a squirrel). This squirrel did not seem to be directly making the noise, but rather it was glowing with such intensity that the glow itself made the noise. As Joe observed this quite fascinating squirrel statue it suddenly turned around to face Joe and much to his surprise started to talk.
“Hello, it is good to see you recovered from that devious pudding. I feared I was too late in saving you from its evil grasp. Also now that you are awake do you happen to have any food with you that you would share with me, your brave and hungry rescuer?”
Joe, still in shock that the glowing statue was actually a living squirrel that could also talk, rummaged though his knapsack looking for some food suitable for a glowing living squirrel statue thing. Much to his disappointment the knapsack contained nothing actually edible, the pouch labeled food was jammed full of just coupons of dubious value. Joe was about to give up his search for provisions when he noticed a bag of nuts which had been mistakenly placed in the hardware pocket, which he handed to the hungry looking squirrel. The squirrel quickly devoured the extremely crunchy nuts and proceeded to introduce himself.
“My name is Chernobyl, I used to happily live in this forest until one day I came across a strange vat high up in this mountain. The vat was filled with glowing rocks, which despite being delicious caused me a great deal of grief. I started to glow and grew rather large, it caused me to become an exile shunned by all I once called friends. I fled to this mountain with the last thing that was still on my side, but sadly as you have seen even pudding has become my enemy. Seeing as I saved you from that nefarious pudding perhaps you can stay and be my friend forever.”
“Your situation is indeed grim, but I am afraid I cannot stay, for I am on a quest of grand importance. My quest is to rid this land of the giant radioactive tsetse flies that tickle people to death! (or a really bad sideache) In order to find a way to defeat these indestructible flies I am searching for the magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers which will surely know what must be done.” Joe hoped that the obvious importance of his quest would allow him to escape this strange glowing squirrel without angering him.
“The magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers? I know where it is, I want to ask the 8 ball a question myself but the way is too perilous for me to travel alone. We should team up, if we work together perhaps we will survive the journey and besides I’m the only one who knows where it is located.”
Joe was reluctantly forced to agree. Despite his desire to avoid this irradiating squirrel he must find the magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers to gain guidance on how to rid the land of the deadly flies. Chernobyl, excited to have someone who didn’t run away from him or melt, gleefully lead Joe deeper down the tunnel.

*The list came with a bonus 15 cities if you bought the matching tote bag

Much to Cobbler’s displeasure the fly mob had successfully torched and tickled 23 cities on their “top 10 most ticklish cities*” list and were quickly moving onto the next. It seemed to Cobbler that everything he tried to stop this mob from destroying things resulted in even more destruction. Even when they listened to his pleas to stop destroying things and rebuild the city somehow ended up entirely leveled (Cobbler was still not sure how that happened). It appeared to Cobbler that he was extremely ineffective at whatever he tried and thus he decided that the surest way to stop the fly mob’s destructive rampage would be to attempt to assist it as much as possible. Cobbler grabbed a feather and flew off towards the next city ready to tickle and pillage in hopes of bringing peace back to the land.

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As Joe journeyed farther into the not-forest the sounds of the chasing hoard grew quieter. This was mostly due to many of the participants growing bored with chasing Joe and the ones that were left were much stealthier in their pursuit. Joe, thinking he had outran his pursuers, took a break from his skedaddling and surveyed his surroundings. Joe soon discovered that most things around him did not like the tsetse flies, but there was a sizable minority that viewed them with indifferences as they were inanimate objects and just could not be tickled to death from the flies. After the quick poll Joe looked around and saw that the not-forest had gotten much more not-like and much less forest-like all of a sudden. The non-trees were more spaced out and the ground had gone from a nice not-forest floor to a mountainous climb made of jagged rocks and nefarious pudding. Joe was certain that this mountain of unusual composition was the way to the magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers, or at the very least it would be a cool view at the top.
As Joe started his accent up the mountain in the middle of the not-forest the pursuing former and current residence of the forest and not-forest respectively watched on in horror. That mountain was home of a hideous creature, and no one dared climb its jagged and pudding coated slopes for fear of getting caught by its unliked resident. Joe, being ignorant of the inhabitant of this unusual geographic feature, fearlessly trekked up the mountain, determined to get to a place that would hopefully result in meeting an object that would probably have an answer to solve a problem that somehow would result in getting him home. Entirely undeterred by the amount of uncertainty and general unfound ideas surrounding his current endeavors, Joe continued his foolhardy endeavor up the mound of most certain problems.
Joe climbed higher and higher until about ten feet up he came across a large wooden spoon blocking what seemed to be the only path forward. While the spoon itself wasn’t very obstructing it was covered in a thick layer of pudding which had an ominous glow. Joe certainly did not want to touch glowing pudding and he most certainly did not want to know what flavor it was (it was banana). With the spoon of questionable pudding blocking the path up Joe reluctantly turned around and started to head back down, but upon turning around he saw another blob of nefariously glowing pudding blocking the way, this time in a bowl (and strawberry flavored). Having no path up or down, Joe trekked around the side of this mound but alas as he rounded a bend there was a massive fork with a blob of extra thick (chocolate) pudding stabbed on the end. The eerie glow emanating from the pudding was even more unappetizing than the others causing Joe to completely freeze. The extra thick (chocolate) pudding stabbed on the fork was so shocking and non-food like that Joe became completely unaware of his surroundings, a shadowy figure darted by, the creatures following Joe watched from below making bets as to what sad fate would befall Joe. All the while Joe stood there staring at the pudding, his only thoughts were how unnatural the pudding looked and how much he most certainly did not want to know its flavor (which still happens to be chocolate).

Florg Stunt Cow 2 was greatly saddened happy. His quest to fix his name make a cake had led him to Fred, but Fred did nothing but leave for another dimension and accidently took Florg Stunt Cow 2’s mind with him. This quest seemed hopeless, he now had no idea where he could find someone to aid him. It seemed he would be forever trapped with a name that is broken awesome.
As Florg Stunt Cow 2 flew back home depressed excited about his failure soon to be made cake he was struck with a thought. He could get a new name, granted it wouldn’t be as nice as Florg Stunt Cow 2 but it would most certainly be better than Stunt Cow 2 Florg. Florg Stunt Cow 2 quickly changed directions to fly to the nearest identity shelter to adopt a new identity.

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Joe finally arrived at the edge of the great barren ‘forest’ only to find that calling it a ‘forest’ was a gross inadequacy, it should be referred to as a “forest” or a “‘forest’” or maybe even a [quote quote] “forest” (seriously). While Joe was busy making air quotes with his fingers and trying to pronounce italics and parentheticals something was busy watching him. The shadowy figure observed Joe from afar, trying to determine if he should be viewed as a threat, or perhaps lunch. The figure figured Joe’s fingers were filled with fragments of french fries, the figure’s favorite food. Fortunately for Joe the figure was full of fear of being found and thus fled for now. As the figure fled it felt full of failure, it failed to fill its figure and now it was feeling famished for the figure was not too fit and fleeing as fast as the figure could used lots of the figure’s fuel.
Joe wandered around the not-forest trying to find some clue as to the location of the magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers. This task was difficult as Joe’s only directions relied on following trees with green leaves, which this not-forest was currently experiencing a dearth of. This task was made even more difficult due to the plethora of non trees that were currently occupying this not-forest. Joe ducked under an overhanging bus and scrambled over a pile of pens in hopes of getting a better view to be able to see his destination. The view atop the pile of pens was indeed better, but that was mostly due to Joe no longer having to look at the pile of pens, which happened to be quite ugly. From his new vantage point Joe saw that this not-forest was very densely packed with non-trees and any attempts to travel though it would be rather troublesome. Joe felt there must a better way to travel through this mess of non-trees and decided to sit down and think up an alternative. This idea turned out to be a rather bad one, for as Joe sat down on the top of the pile a few pens were knocked out of their place and tumbled down the pile. As they fell they caused more pens to be knocked loose and as the reactions continued the pens became entangled and formed large pen balls which rolled with great speed out in all directions from the pen pile. Joe watched in horror as the balls rolled and bumped into things leaving large ink splotches and thick ink trails in their wake.
From all around the pile Joe started to he cries of anguish and anger. The previous forest residents and the current not-forest residents did no appreciate Joe’s accidental redecorating. The residents crawled, walked, slithered and jumped out of their caves, holes, shelters and huts and started to surround the pen pile. Joe pointed out to the distance at something that was most certainly not a tree and yelled “Hey look a tree!” which distracted the former forest residence with hope of trees returning and the non-forest residence with intrigue as to what this mythical “tree” thing looked like. As the crowd of creatures looked in the direction Joe had pointed, Joe took this opportunity to skedaddle down the other side of the pen pile. As Joe fled he trigged a pen avalanche and was quickly caught up in the wall of falling pens. In a stroke of luck the avalanche threw Joe over a very thick patch of underbrush giving him a wall between him and the angry residents of the not-forest and the previously forest. Joe was not lucky enough to not get completely covered in ink, but this did not deter him from continuing on in search of the magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers.

The chip mines were a desolate place. The tunnels were poorly lit, the floors were full of holes and sharp protrusions waiting to trip people and the air was thick with the orange dust of the nacho cheese flavoring. The miners hack fervently at the walls trying to break off chunks of raw chip in order to meet their daily chip quota. If they failed to mine enough chip they would be sent to work in the deeper tunnels where there were more unstable flavors. Those chips had to be mined with great care lest the chips explode in a blast of extreme flavor. The last of such explosions completely burned out the taste buds of 5 miners and 26 more had to undergo months of taste bud rehabilitation. Even deeper in the mines was Aaron (of course that Aaron!) who was assigned in the deepest part of the mines to use his “unique” “talents” to “mine” “chips”. Despite Aaron’s “legitimate” “job” “description” he was actually conducting a far more different task. He had been sent to the very deepest possible point in the mine, down to the tunnel that led straight to the molten snack center of the earth. He was stationed there to ensure that nobody ventured down this dangerous tunnel, and more importantly that nothing form the dangerous tunnel ventured up to the surface. This rather dangerous tunnel had not been sealed as it was located near an vein of extremely popular flavor of chip and the could not risk potential destruction of the delicate chips. Thus Aaron was stationed as a sentry, protecting the mines and the world from the dangerous snacks that lurked below.

▲▲▼▼◄►◄►BA! ▲▲▼▼◄►◄►BA! ▲▲▼▼◄►◄►BA!

Joe walked towards what was recently a forest, hopping that the lack of trees would allow him to find his destination easier. As Joe neared the edge of the ‘forest’ he saw an odd looking wall. The wall was made of stone, just tall enough to prevent one from climbing over it, however it only was about 20 feet wide. The center of the wall had a small wooden door and at each end there were large wheels which rested upon tracks in the ground. Joe attempted to walk around this wall that was sure to be a source of annoyance and grief but as he neared it the wall rolled along its track and positioned itself in front of Joe. Joe tried to run around the wall but it continued to roll in the way. It was surprisingly quick for a large heavy stone wall and no matter how hard Joe tried he could not outrun it. Finally tired and exhausted Joe knocked on the door, hopping to gain entry.
“Who goes there?” Inquired a British sounding shade of blue “What business do you have with the wall?”
“I am doing some stuff that requires me to go place, and that place happens to be past this the wall of yours” Joe was understandably untrusting of sentient color that controlled a moving wall and thus tried to keep details to a minimum.
“What is your name?” Asked a German sounding green “only the most important may pass the wall.”
“My name? I most certainly have one I assure you. As fo my importance I most assuredly have some, for I must do some very important stuff, stuff with importance so great that words can not describe it.
“How do we know you are not lying?” Questioned the Spanish red “You could be an enemy of the wall, you may be here to destroy the wall!”
“I, man who most certainly has a name, assure you that everything I said is the vaguest possible truth, you must believe me that I have no intention of harming your the wall. I only wish to pass through this barrier so that I may continue on my journey and complete my quest of no details.”
“He must be lying!” Cried some Russian yellow “There is no stuff so important that warrants letting one through the wall unless it was a quest to save the universe from some airborne laughter inducing menace. The man with most certainly a name cannot be on such a quest or he would have simply walked around the wall as to not waste time getting through it.”
“But a quest to save the world is the stuff I have to do. You must let me through or else the world as we know it may end!”
“Bah! You only claim to be on such a quest now because we told you it would be the only way to get past the wall. Your feeble attempts at deception will not work on us.”
“the wall and cease wasting our time!”
“You must let me past! I must get past this the wall so I may find the magic 8-ball in the forest full of not trees so I may find the secret to destroying the indestructible flies so that I may return to the other side of the world where everything is different.”
“If you will not leave on your own accord we will remove you by force. Guards, seize him!” At this a group of tough looking colour came out of the wall and headed towards Joe who was to stunned with the absurdity of what he had just yelled to a bunch of colour to react. The colours quickly surrounded Joe and started closing in, things looked grim until something started to shake inside Joe’s pack. Joe still somewhat bewildered opened up his pack unleashing the nefarious color that had grown within.
““Stand back!” Cried the color “I may look unusual but I poses power far greater than any of you. If you do not surrender now I will destroy all of you and your precious the wall.” The color charged at the surrounding colours who fell back in pain at the sheer sight of it. The color then leap onto the top of the wall easily defeating the foreign colours residing up there. In a final flash of eye melting color, the color jumped high into the air and crashed down upon the wall reducing it to a pile of terribly clashing rubble. Joe thankful that the wall was no longer in his way and eager to get the horrible sight out of his field of vision quickly skirted the rubble and headed on towards the edge of the ‘forest’.

The angry fly mob caused massive amounts of destruction with their caffeine induced energy. As the caffeine wore off their destruction became less and less until the completely crashed and ended up doing so little destruction that they were actually rebuilding a section of the city. This further angered the flies as they were very tired for rebuilding a city was hard work, making them more tired, which resulted in more rebuilding. This anger gave them renewed energy and thus allowing them ton continue their destruction. But destroying things made their anger fade and they once again became tired and constructive, which led them to become energized with rage once again. This cycle continued with a group of flies putting in a wall only have another knock it out and then switch places. Cobbler flew to the mob (Cobbler was late as he had waited for his coffee to cool off, being unusually temperature sensitive for a giant indestructible radioactive tsetse fly), unaware of this new development and once more tried to convince the mob to stop destroying the city. Cobbler gave an impassioned plea urging the mob to stop the destruction and help rebuild to make amends. To Cobbler’s great surprise the flies were very receptive to his plans as they were tired of this oscillations between destroying, rebuilding, un-building and non-destroying, and hoped this may work. The mob of flies went to work re-building the destroyed parts of the city, however as they were so tired, so little re-building of the city took place that the rest of it was leveled in a matter of minutes. The mob in high spirits that their plan worked flew away to the next city on their list leaving Cobbler behind, utterly bewildered as to what just occurred.

╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛

Joe was equally confused but for an entirely different reason. Standing before him was a man pulling paper out of the recycling bin and vengefully throwing it into the garbage. The man cackled with glee at every scrap he threw in, becoming more and more delighted as the trashcan became full. Joe was sure the man would be trouble and he was even more sure that he certainly did not want to talk to him.
“Greeting sir!” cried Joe, who did not squelch his inner hippy fast enough “May I inquire as to why you are un-recycling that paper? Don’t you want to save trees?”
“Save trees? Save TREES? SAVE TREES!?” The man spun around with a wad of paper in his hands and a look of revenge in his eyes “Why would I save trees? My parents were killed by a rain forest, and now I will not rest until I have destroyed every last tree!”
“That’s absurd, a tree isn’t capable of intentionally killing people. Your attempts at revenge are almost as absurd as your methods, the amount of paper you are not recycling adds up to maybe a tree or two at most.”
“You may try and stop me with your silly reason and ridiculous logic but my masterfully created plan will not fail. Soon another tree will be cut down to supply paper, and with that tree being gone the hundreds of seeds it would have created over its life will also be gone. All those trees that will now never grow will remove even more potential trees from existing. With each generation the number of trees destroyed grows exponentially, soon the number of trees that no longer exist due to the destruction of that one tree will be so great that there will be no trees left in the entire world! This is by far the most efficient and effective way of ensuring that all trees will be destroyed.”
Joe, certain this man would be best fled quickly from, prepared to quickly flee. “Look out!” he cried pointing behind the man “There is a tree coming right after you!” Joe turned and ran as fast a possible, not because of the man, who only warranted a quick skedaddle but because there actually was a tree coming straight for them. The man looked in horror at the oncoming tree, but then his expression changed to a grim determination. He grabbed the garbage can full of un-cycled paper and dumped it into the retroactive trash receptacle (for throwing away then the waste you have now). The oncoming tree shrieked in rage at seeing its brethren carelessly tossed from one pile of waste to another. It brought up its limbs ready to strike when all of a sudden the tree stopped and started to shake. The man’s plan had indeed worked, the tree continued to shake more and more violently until it ceased to exist, along with every other visible tree.
“Thank you sir for that warning” Said the man to Joe, suddenly looking much calmer and more sane. “I have gotten my vengeance upon the trees and now they will never again cause any trouble. I am in your debt, please let me know if there is anything I can do to repay you”
“Well I am trying to find the magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers to ask it how to stop the giant radioactive tsetse flies that tickle people to death as I’m sure that that will somehow allow me to get back home to the correct side of the page.”
“I know of this magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers, it is located in the great forest, once inside the forest you just need to follow the green leaved trees and it will get you there straight away. The entrance to the forest is over there.” The man gestured towards what was now a great barren plain. “I wish you luck on your quest, I must be off to spread the good news of this great victory today, and remember follow the green leaved trees lest you be lost forever in the forest.” The man knocked over the nearest trash can and leaped upon it and rolled off into the distance leaving Joe to find his own way to the vast barren great ‘forest’.

*An Oar is a unit of metric time, there are 10 Oars in a day
**A third is a metric unit of time. There are 100 thirds in a minute.

Florg Stunt Cow 2 arrived at the store of Fred and was immediately greeted by the existence of Fred’s pet pet.
“Salutations how does this day find you? hollow hoe oar eww?” screamed the pet pet’s existence as it ran from the room, leaving Fred’s pet pet behind to wallow in its lack of existence. With the pet pet no longer possessing existence Florg Stunt Cow 2 tried speak but was still prevented by the pet pet who to spite the existence was still there. Fortunately it was Florg Stunt Cow 2’s lucky day as Fred burst into the room from below via the skylight in the ceiling to make his pet pet clean up the mess his entrance had made.
“Thank you kind sir for removing your pet pet. I must say I have seen many pets in the wild or zoos but I have never seen someone keep a pet as a pet, its mere presence was quite there.” Florg Stunt Cow 2 regained his composure and blurted out “You must help me fix my name make a cake. I can’t take much more of this correction betterment of my speech!”
“I would help you however I am greatly confused, as my speech is usually wrong and thus obviously has no correction applied to it. Now I must ask you to leave if you are going to buy anything, this spot is for non customers only.”
“But you must be able to help me, the magic 8-ball of correct-but-mostly-useless-answers said that the person who was a thing was called Fred and that he would be able to help me.” begged Florg Stunt Cow 2.
“I’m sorry but you must be mistaken, beggers can’t be choosers and you chose to come here thus you must not be begging now. As for you being a thing that is most certainly absurd, anyone can see that you are more likely to be an adjective and not a noun. And now if you will excused you I must now leave to another dimension for a few oars*, avast!” at this Fred chucked Florg Stunt Cow 2 out of his shop as the store promptly vanished leaving behind nothing but what had been there before. Florg Stunt Cow 2 would have been bewildered by what had just taken place, however in his hurried exit he had left his mind behind, and now in its new dimension it was a few time zones behind. Fortunately due to some quick thinking Florg Stunt Cow 2’s mind was able to get back to his body in a matter of thirds**.

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Joe boldly trekked over the land certain that he would soon find the magic 8-ball which would answer his question to help him defeat the tsetse flies so he could save the world which would somehow allow him to get home. As Joe walk along he was met by a strange looking man holding an assortment or strange objects which only inherently describable features of them were their color. Joe knew that talking to this man would probably involve all sorts of strange happenstance and hohah, but he could not risk not talking to him lest he have valuable information that could help him. The man approached Joe and took the blue off his head and waved it in greeting
“Good day dear sir. Might I be able to interest you in some fine colors today? I have the widest selection of useful colors, for example this green here is full of necessary vitamins and nutrients, everyone should have some greens in their diet. Or maybe you could use some orange, this color was used to fight off scurvy on the high seas, it was said the Orange Beard the pirate was so fierce because his crew never got sick!”
“Wait a second, that’s absurd!” Joe wanted to leave as it was obvious that this man would not be of any help, but Joe could not let this chunk of incorrect maritime lore go unprotested. “Scurvy is caused by a vitamin C deficiency and thus the cure is foods with vitamin C, while oranges the fruit are a good source the color orange being an adjective is not even a tangible object. Even if it was to assume it shared the nutritive properties of a fruit because it had the same name would be absurd. Furthermore there was no pirate Orange Beard, you just made him up in an attempt to sell your wares!”
“Aye, it’s true, me claims are a bit exaggerated but there is most certainly an Orange Beard, for I am he!” At this the man ripped off the mask he was apparently wearing to reveal a massive orange pirate beard. “And now that ye know I must force you to work on me crew, Yarrg!” Orange Beard lunged at Joe holding aloft a menacing yellow and a sharp looking blue but fortunately for Joe Orange Beard was a pirate and thus had sea legs, which while useful when out to sea were very ineffective on land. Joe quickly sidestepped the pirate and watched as he tumbled down the convenient hill into the valley of characters that didn’t last more than a chapter.
Joe scooped up the colors the strange pirate had dropped and tossed them into his knapsack, figuring they may somehow come in handy, and continued on his journey towards what he thought was the location that he would later be told. Unfortunately Joe did not realize that these colors needed to be transported in very specific manors, by carelessly jamming them into his pack the colors got squashed and mixed together creating very ugly and nefarious color.

*Despite really big city’s terrible store management they offer excellent insurance at affordable rates, buy yours today!
Really big city insurance covers you against all disasters to befall you except for:
Destruction by exploding cabbages flung by vision impaired radioactive tsetse flies*

*It most certainly could not be a sign as it did not forbid flowers

The man with a trench coat covering all but his ears watched from afar as Joe left the coffee shoppe. He was concerned that all Joe had done so far was to aid the flies with valuable coffee saving coupons and he had done nothing to stop them. The man in the trench coat called over his minions “I fear Joe is failing at succeeding much as you succeeded to fail. If he manages to keep succeeding he most certainly will fail as that seems to be what he thinks is success. We must find a way to make Joe fail at failing thus leading to him succeeding at what must be done. We need someone that will make Joe fear failure, someone who succeeded at scaring Joe. We need Aaron! (yes that Aaron)” The minions of the trench coat man set out to the chip mines to rescue the Aaron that had been most certainly imprisoned in a place that might probably be there.

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As Joe left the coffee shoppe he had a startling realization, by giving the manager those coupons he had aided the angry fly mob. Joe was certain that great sounding deals on most undoubtedly terrible coffee would somehow grant the fly mob even more power, making the mob go from unstoppable to most assuredly unstoppable. Joe feared that the if he encountered the fly mob now they would most defiantly destroy him, and that would make his quest to stop them even more difficult. There must be some way to stop the indestructible flies, and Joe was determined to find it, sadly he had no idea where to even start looking for such and object if one even existed. This, however, did not deter Joe, for he was determined to stop these flies that he had helped make even more unstoppable. Despite the numerous mentions of determination, Joe was still at a loss for the how, but suddenly something struck him, it was the chimney from the coffee soaked house falling off and hitting Joe in the foot. Upon closer inspection Joe noticed that there was a rolled up note jammed inside the chimney of the house. After wringing out the note and unrolling it Joe read the following:

“The answer is something like sea”
Subpar answers brought to you by the magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers

Joe placed the paper carefully the chimney which he placed in his pack and carelessly chucked away the rest of the soggy house. This paper was most certainly a sign* that Joe should seek out this magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers in order to find a way to stop the unstoppable tsetse fly army. While Joe did not know where this magic-8 ball of close but-not-quite-correct-answers was located, but he was certain he would retroactively ask it when he got there. Thus certain that he had knowledge he thought he would soon obtain Joe set off in the direction that seemed most likely to contain this magic-8 ball that would aid him in his quest.