Despite being forced to work in an extremely dangerous tunnel deep underground against his will, Aaron was rather enthusiastically “mining” “chips”. The chip executives were unsure why Aaron was so content to be confined against his will in the dangerous chip mine but they were too busy overseeing the mine exploration projects which would hopefully result in new flavors to care about one gruntled employee. They should have been paying more attention however, for despite Aaron’s outward appearance of content forced labor he was actually plotting, plotting a way that would allow him to not only escape, but to take these most delicious snacks with him.

*The list came with a bonus 15 cities if you bought the matching tote bag

Much to Cobbler’s displeasure the fly mob had successfully torched and tickled 23 cities on their “top 10 most ticklish cities*” list and were quickly moving onto the next. It seemed to Cobbler that everything he tried to stop this mob from destroying things resulted in even more destruction. Even when they listened to his pleas to stop destroying things and rebuild the city somehow ended up entirely leveled (Cobbler was still not sure how that happened). It appeared to Cobbler that he was extremely ineffective at whatever he tried and thus he decided that the surest way to stop the fly mob’s destructive rampage would be to attempt to assist it as much as possible. Cobbler grabbed a feather and flew off towards the next city ready to tickle and pillage in hopes of bringing peace back to the land.

Florg Stunt Cow 2 was greatly saddened happy. His quest to fix his name make a cake had led him to Fred, but Fred did nothing but leave for another dimension and accidently took Florg Stunt Cow 2’s mind with him. This quest seemed hopeless, he now had no idea where he could find someone to aid him. It seemed he would be forever trapped with a name that is broken awesome. As Florg Stunt Cow 2 flew back home depressed excited about his failure soon to be made cake he was struck with a thought. He could get a new name, granted it wouldn’t be as nice as Florg Stunt Cow 2 but it would most certainly be better than Stunt Cow 2 Florg. Florg Stunt Cow 2 quickly changed directions to fly to the nearest identity shelter to adopt a new identity.

The chip mines were a desolate place. The tunnels were poorly lit, the floors were full of holes and sharp protrusions waiting to trip people and the air was thick with the orange dust of the nacho cheese flavoring. The miners hack fervently at the walls trying to break off chunks of raw chip in order to meet their daily chip quota. If they failed to mine enough chip they would be sent to work in the deeper tunnels where there were more unstable flavors. Those chips had to be mined with great care lest the chips explode in a blast of extreme flavor. The last of such explosions completely burned out the taste buds of 5 miners and 26 more had to undergo months of taste bud rehabilitation. Even deeper in the mines was Aaron (of course that Aaron!) who was assigned in the deepest part of the mines to use his “unique” “talents” to “mine” “chips”. Despite Aaron’s “legitimate” “job” “description” he was actually conducting a far more different task. He had been sent to the very deepest possible point in the mine, down to the tunnel that led straight to the molten snack center of the earth. He was stationed there to ensure that nobody ventured down this dangerous tunnel, and more importantly that nothing form the dangerous tunnel ventured up to the surface. This rather dangerous tunnel had not been sealed as it was located near an vein of extremely popular flavor of chip and the could not risk potential destruction of the delicate chips. Thus Aaron was stationed as a sentry, protecting the mines and the world from the dangerous snacks that lurked below.

The angry fly mob caused massive amounts of destruction with their caffeine induced energy. As the caffeine wore off their destruction became less and less until the completely crashed and ended up doing so little destruction that they were actually rebuilding a section of the city. This further angered the flies as they were very tired for rebuilding a city was hard work, making them more tired, which resulted in more rebuilding. This anger gave them renewed energy and thus allowing them ton continue their destruction. But destroying things made their anger fade and they once again became tired and constructive, which led them to become energized with rage once again. This cycle continued with a group of flies putting in a wall only have another knock it out and then switch places. Cobbler flew to the mob (Cobbler was late as he had waited for his coffee to cool off, being unusually temperature sensitive for a giant indestructible radioactive tsetse fly), unaware of this new development and once more tried to convince the mob to stop destroying the city. Cobbler gave an impassioned plea urging the mob to stop the destruction and help rebuild to make amends. To Cobbler’s great surprise the flies were very receptive to his plans as they were tired of this oscillations between destroying, rebuilding, un-building and non-destroying, and hoped this may work. The mob of flies went to work re-building the destroyed parts of the city, however as they were so tired, so little re-building of the city took place that the rest of it was leveled in a matter of minutes. The mob in high spirits that their plan worked flew away to the next city on their list leaving Cobbler behind, utterly bewildered as to what just occurred.

*An Oar is a unit of metric time, there are 10 Oars in a day **A third is a metric unit of time. There are 100 thirds in a minute.

Florg Stunt Cow 2 arrived at the store of Fred and was immediately greeted by the existence of Fred’s pet pet. “Salutations how does this day find you? hollow hoe oar eww?” screamed the pet pet’s existence as it ran from the room, leaving Fred’s pet pet behind to wallow in its lack of existence. With the pet pet no longer possessing existence Florg Stunt Cow 2 tried speak but was still prevented by the pet pet who to spite the existence was still there. Fortunately it was Florg Stunt Cow 2’s lucky day as Fred burst into the room from below via the skylight in the ceiling to make his pet pet clean up the mess his entrance had made. “Thank you kind sir for removing your pet pet. I must say I have seen many pets in the wild or zoos but I have never seen someone keep a pet as a pet, its mere presence was quite there.” Florg Stunt Cow 2 regained his composure and blurted out “You must help me fix my name make a cake. I can’t take much more of this correction betterment of my speech!” “I would help you however I am greatly confused, as my speech is usually wrong and thus obviously has no correction applied to it. Now I must ask you to leave if you are going to buy anything, this spot is for non customers only.” “But you must be able to help me, the magic 8-ball of correct-but-mostly-useless-answers said that the person who was a thing was called Fred and that he would be able to help me.” begged Florg Stunt Cow 2. “I’m sorry but you must be mistaken, beggers can’t be choosers and you chose to come here thus you must not be begging now. As for you being a thing that is most certainly absurd, anyone can see that you are more likely to be an adjective and not a noun. And now if you will excused you I must now leave to another dimension for a few oars*, avast!” at this Fred chucked Florg Stunt Cow 2 out of his shop as the store promptly vanished leaving behind nothing but what had been there before. Florg Stunt Cow 2 would have been bewildered by what had just taken place, however in his hurried exit he had left his mind behind, and now in its new dimension it was a few time zones behind. Fortunately due to some quick thinking Florg Stunt Cow 2’s mind was able to get back to his body in a matter of thirds**.

*Despite really big city’s terrible store management they offer excellent insurance at affordable rates, buy yours today! Really big city insurance covers you against all disasters to befall you except for: Destruction by exploding cabbages flung by vision impaired radioactive tsetse flies*

*It most certainly could not be a sign as it did not forbid flowers

The man with a trench coat covering all but his ears watched from afar as Joe left the coffee shoppe. He was concerned that all Joe had done so far was to aid the flies with valuable coffee saving coupons and he had done nothing to stop them. The man in the trench coat called over his minions “I fear Joe is failing at succeeding much as you succeeded to fail. If he manages to keep succeeding he most certainly will fail as that seems to be what he thinks is success. We must find a way to make Joe fail at failing thus leading to him succeeding at what must be done. We need someone that will make Joe fear failure, someone who succeeded at scaring Joe. We need Aaron! (yes that Aaron)” The minions of the trench coat man set out to the chip mines to rescue the Aaron that had been most certainly imprisoned in a place that might probably be there.

*Free z’s only available for purchases of double mega ultra small sizes or longer. **75% applies to the contents not the price

The angry fly mob, having sufficiently torched and tickled the buildings and people inhabiting the city, were in need of energy and thus went to one of the few remaining buildings, the local coffee shoppe*. Upon entry the flies were enraged to see that the lines were separated into a “real people and other non-tsetse flies only” line and a “dirt, garbage and perhaps tsetse flies, we guess, if we have to” line. The flies became even more angry to find their line actually lead to the exit. Surprisingly they were mostly okay to see that the tsetse fly seating area was actually just a trash receptacle with a sign saying “place trash and tsetse flies here” (this was mostly due to the flies liking to say word receptacle.) The mob was about ready to storm out and file a complaint with the better business burro, the business accountability donkey when suddenly the manager, who was desperate for customers of any kind, including tsetse flies, leaped out from behind the counter with some 75% off coupons** and begged them to stay (at least long enough to pay some money and hopefully short enough forget to pick up their orders). The fly mob could not be deterred by the man’s impassioned plea but the prospects of getting 75% off their order intrigued them so they decided to stay. Soon the flies were full of coffee and free of those cumbersome loot bags, bursting with sugar induced energy and caffeine caused jitters, ready to go forth and continue with the tickilling and torching of the land.

*Actual patron’s number may vary, results not typical, ask your store owner if being a millionth customer is right for you, some assembly required.

Florg Stunt Cow 2 hurriedly set out to find the magic 8-ball of correct-but-mostly-useless-answers to ask it how to fix his name. Because he was pressed for time Florg Stunt Cow 2 started looking for the ball in the last place he looked, as one always finds things in the last place you look. Thus he quickly found it and proceeded to ask it the question of how to get his name fixed. Sadly the answer was most certainly mostly useless: “To fix your name you must find the man who was a thing”. Florg Stunt Cow 2 couldn’t understand what the answer even was trying to say, it just left more questions. How could a thing become a person? How would they be able to help? Things can’t do things. Why wasn’t that last one a question? Florg Stunt Cow 2 needed more help, and despite the strict “one vague answer per customer” policy Florg Stunt Cow 2 decided to ask “what is the name of the man who was a thing?” Surprisingly the magic 8-ball of correct-but-mostly-useless-answers responded with “There is one who calls him Fred”. Florg Stunt Cow 2 was surprised that there was an answer and that it seemed straight forward and rather helpful. Florg Stunt Cow 2 knew someone with a name that is probably Fred and thus he went off to find him, eager to get his name fixed a sandwich.

*Atomic number 280, despite it’s high number it is usually stable unless startled and then it will decay into other smaller emotions.

Having foolishly pressed the stop button on The Remote Of The Universe Joe shoved it into his pocket and continued on, completely unaware that he had in fact stopped the universe. Joe’s mind was occupied elsewhere, he was thinking about getting back home and how great and grand a non insane messed up world would be, one where you could tell a bad joke without threat of losing your status as a proper noun. As Joe wandered out of the lane that led to the passage that went to the alley with the man in a trench coat covering all but his ears he was suddenly struck with a thought, and then an idea. Soon Joe was being attacked by a wide variety of mental facilities, from impressions to feelings to deja vous. He turned and ran from these new unknown assailants only to fall into a massive plothole in the middle of the poorly maintained story sidewalk. Luckily for Joe, the holes were plentiful and deep enough to deter the attackers, as looking in all the holes for Joe would involve too much supervision for a neighborhood like this to handle. The assailants gathered the rest of their thoughts and trudged back to the lane that led to the passage that went to the alley where the man with a trench coat covering all but his ears was. He would not be happy to hear that their mission to plant an idea in Joe’s head had been unsuccessful. Fortunately for them Joe had not seen any of them and thus they would have the element of surprise* should they be sent to attack again. “You shall do no such thing!” cried the man in the trench coat “Your failure only confirms that you fail! You are no longer succeeding at succeeding but rather have failed to succeed yet succeeded to fail! I no longer think succeed is a real word and thus you will be doomed to fail, and thus I shall not send you out on another mission. Instead I will employ a more cunning plan, one that is sure to trick Joe into doing what must be done by the man known as Joe.” At this the man pulled out a small object that looked like the combination of a trinket with a MacGuffin and a bauble with a little bit of doodad thrown in. “This is a quest, a device that will carry its owner along a series of improbable and difficult tasks until the final goal is accomplished. As soon as Joe takes this quest he will be whisked along in my plot to remove the flies and allow me to take over the universe for myself!” At this the man threw the quest into the air towards the last known location of Joe. Meanwhile Joe had been far too pre-occupied with getting out of the massive pothole to eavesdrop on the diabolical plotting. The hole he had hidden in had happened to be huge, so humongous that it had a hoard of H’s hovering around. Joe hopped up and harvested handfuls of H’s and heaped them high. He leaped heavenward and with the help of the hill of H’s he landed without harm outside the hole. Now that Joe was free of the alliterative clutches of that pothole he could return on his mission to get home. Joe immediately set out in the one direction he was sure wasn’t home (Joe had learned that in a place like the back side of the page his first try would fail) and thus after he fought his way out of the pothole once again he was now ready to continue home, but before he could start something shiny caught his eye. It looked like a small knickknack crossed with a thingamajig with a little widget mixed in. This strange object had an unusual draw for Joe and he felt compelled to take it with him, after all it isn’t every day that you find an object that is so specifically vague. After acquiring the object Joe felt suddenly confused. He still wanted to get home, but for some reason he was suddenly sure that the only way to do such a thing would be to venture towards what looked like a city that had recently been set fire to. Joe was perplexed about this sudden turn in thought, although after thinking about it, it did seem odd for such a sudden and strong idea to suddenly jump into his head the moment he picked up that bizarre object. However Joe felt he must follow his gut on this matter and seeing as his gut and a few other internal organs had already started out towards the smoldering remains of the city Joe rushed to catch up.

*The non-green parts are the frame for the tapestry, not actual tapestry

(The Flies only had green thread to work with after all*)