Well, it’s been FOREVER, but I finally made another comic – the first one not to be published in the Daily Barometer. Of course, it’s kind of late to be posting a comic about graduation… Oh well. It’s my comic anyway, right? So all you critics out there can just sit on it!
Here it is. Here’s my last comic for the Daily Barometer at Oregon State University… unless, of course, I manage to squeeze one more in on dead week. We’ll see about that…
Anyway, the caps and gowns this year are in fact biodegradable. There’s a running joke among my peers that graduating seniors should definitely wear something underneath the gown – just in case it’s defective.
*The Candy Store is located in an extra-dimensional space (to save on rent) and thus The Candy Store worker is not currently in the town.
Cobbler’s plan to unleash garbage to distract the fly mob was coming together nicely. All he still had to do was obtain a large pile of intriguing trash, find a place to stow it and then create a triggering mechanism to dump it at the exact right time. While there place he was currently in was full of all sorts of interesting piles of debris and rubble Cobbler wanted to find some garbage that was truly amazing to ensure that the angry fly mob would be entirely distracted by it. Thus Cobbler set out towards a nearby ordinary city hoping to find some extraordinary garbage.
Upon arrival in the city, Cobbler started to amass trash. He started with the dumpsters and then started with the random litter on the street (of which there was plenty, especially as he considered an abandon car to be litter). Cobbler has quickly gathered more trash than he could carry so he started to pile it up in the park, as the area was mostly empty except for a large mountainous statue of some giant heads and a cow fly thing. Cobbler continued to work in peace, the city was empty except for a single person in the park who seemed too preoccupied eating to notice the trash building up around him.
Aaron ventured into the almost completely empty city (it currently contained Joe, Cobbler and
Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore*). He had been tasked with the task to make Joe succeed at success. His reasons for doing so were far less clear than his mission. The man with the trench coat had offered Aaron something, something that was very desirable, but whether Aaron or the man in the trench coat knew what that something actually was was something yet to be seen. Despite the unclear motivations Aaron was firmly set upon completion and thus hurried to work.
As Cobbler was busy working to collect trash in the park, Aaron was busy reconfiguring the garbage heap to make it as least interesting as possible. His goal was to make the heap so boring and repulsive that even giant radioactive tsetse flies would find it unappealing and thus not get distracted playing around in it. He was unsure how the mob not getting distracted would be a good thing, but he knew that whatever Cobbler was up to was bound to fail and thus he must do all he could to make sure Cobbler fails in the execution of his plan so that the results would not be the failure.
A few hours after the arrival of Cobbler the angry fly mob arrived at the city. They had taken a short detour on the way to visit the wall (a prime tourist destination in this area) but upon seeing it destroyed it made them all the more angry (they had planned on destroying it themselves). The now furious mob of flies descended upon the streets looking for people to tickill. This proved to be difficult as all the people of the city had already fled in terror when they heard the fly mob was coming, leaving them with no targets for their wrath. After finding the city abandon the mob converged on the park to investigate the pile of garbage that resided there.
Upon reaching the park the intriguing looking trash from afar was discovered to be a quite ordinary heap of rubbish, however there was something in the area that caught the mob’s attention. On the other side of the large mountainous statue thing in center of the park was a person who seemed completely oblivious to the arrival of the fly mob. The fly mob split in half, half going to investigate the garbage heap for anything that may be interesting and the other half to go and tickill the person foolish enough to have stayed in town.
Joe had settled down in a nice shady patch in the park and proceeded to eat his jawbreaker, or at least he attempted to eat his jawbreaker. The task of eating it proved to be more difficult than he had initially imagined. Upon acquisition of the jawbreaker Joe was pleasantly surprised to see that the label said it was “sweet potata” flavored. He assumed that “sweet potata” meant “sweet potato” and that in this strange world the spelling was a little unusual. Joe was quite excited about the flavor as sweet potatoes had always been his most favorite kind of orange colored food. He had fond memories of when he was a child of eating sweet potatoes prepared by his mother. They would come out of the oven all nice and warm and then be stuffed full of so many spoonfuls of brown sugar and marshmallows that any beneficial nutrients in the original food was entirely destroyed. Just the thought of such a happy childhood memory made his mind drift off into a happy and carefree place despite his current circumstances (failing at saving the world form certain doom and all).
A short time later Joe’s stomach became rather grumbly about the current consumption of food to thinking about food ratio and pulled Joe’s adrift mind back to its post. Joe, having been pulled back into reality, unwrapped the jawbreaker and took a big bite, ready for the warm gooey tastes of his child hood. Instead Joe’s senses were overwhelmed with the following noise:
BuZZZZZZZZZ ~CRUNCH!!~ ZZZZZ
This greatly confused Joe, his treat was not supposed to buzz or crunch and it was most certainly not supposed to do both simultaneously. Upon looking around Joe was relived to realize that the buzz had not originated from his candy but was in fact being caused by the giant mob of angry radioactive tsetse flies that were flying towards him. The presence of the mob did little to scare Joe for he knew a grand hero of the universe was nearby and he had acquired the one weapon able to stop this menace. Upon examining his line of reasoning Joe realized that he was the grand hero of the universe and he had skipped out on acquiring the only weapon that could stop the flies due to fear of junk mail. This realization struck Joe with so much terror that his fear was so great it overflowed the bounds of his brain leaving him with feeling of very little fear. However he did have a much higher capacity for disgust and the disgust from the ~CRUNCH~ of that jawbreaker was so great that is caused Joe to pass out.
The half of the fly mob in pursuit of Joe closed in. The flies quickly landed around Joe and pulled out their fearsome feathers. Just as the closed in to tickill him there was a strange flash of light accompanied by what sounded like an avalanche of cattle. As the rumblings and mooings subsided the mob heard a lone voice yell out “STOP! We must stop this meaningless destruction!”
Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore had originally felt like he was getting better when he had awoken in the park in the abandon city but now he was feeling much worse. The tall buildings had reinforced the Mount Rushmore desire to stand tall and the park full of grass has renewed his stunt cow desired to graze. Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore now felt the least like a fly he had even felt. The only thing allowing Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore to hold onto his flyness was the intriguing mound of trash that had been deposited beside him, but it was not enough. As time passed the trash heap became less and less interesting despite its growing size while the pulls of the grassy fields and tall buildings continued in full strength.
Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore could not hold out for long, his flyness was ever weakening and he feared he would soon fully succumb to his new identity. Fortunately for the Florg of Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore he heard the distinct sound of an approaching hoard of tsetse flies. This familiar sound helped Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore hold onto himself and made his tsetse fly self to grow in strength as the sounds grew louder.
The fly mob soon arrived in town and converged on the park. Some of the flies swarmed the garbage heap investigating every little bit and random scrap of it while the others surrounded a lone figure in the park feathers at the ready. The immense amount of tsetse fly activity in such close proximity invigorated
Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore and with all of his radioactive fly strength he pushed off Mount Rushmore and Stunt Cow 2 in a large flash of personality. Florg once more was his only identity, however pushing off such large and daring personalities proved to be rather draining, and despite the buzz of tsetse fly energy all around him, Flog passed out.
Cobbler had been out searching for trash when the fly mob arrived, and due to his loud humming remained completely oblivious to their arrival until he started back to the park with his latest load. When he reached the park he initially though some flies had come to help join him in his quest but then he saw them ransacking the trash heap and swarming around Joe and he realized that this was the mob of still angry flies. Cobbler’s mind raced trying to figure out something he could do to stop this mob as it seemed the garbage pile was doing little to distract them. As Cobbler looked on the scene bellow a most unusual thing happened. The mountainous statue thing below seemed to be changing. As the flies raged around it, it seemed to be growing less rocky and more insect-like. Suddenly there was a large flash and the entire thing disappeared leaving behind a normal looking radioactive tsetse fly.
Cobbler recognized the fly below as Florg, a fly that used to live just down the road from him. He started to piece together what must had happened. Poor Florg had has his identity stolen and replaced with that of a cow statue. The constant pillaging and destruction of the angry fly mob had caused the situation with poor Florg to have been overlooked, which resulted in his new identity to take hold. This new identity had been so large that they had drained Florg of all his strength attempting to fight them off causing him to pass away. Cobbler quickly flew up above the mob and cried out as loud as he could “STOP! We must stop this meaningless destruction!” The strange flash and noises had caused the fly mob to pause and upon hearing Cobbler yell they all stopped to hear what he had to say.
“My fellow flies, we must stop all this rampaging and destruction. Today one of our own was lost forever.” This statement caused lots of confused murmuring among the fly mob. Being indestructible had made most of them assume they were indestructible. “This was not caused by some imagined enemy or hated city, but rather by us, the tsetse flies. Below me you can see Florg, one of our own, who had his identity stolen by some very strong personalities. The invading identities were so strong that he could not push them off on his own, and eventually he succumbed to the new him.”
“These attacks were started because the other people were trying to oppress us. But now you must realize that in pursuit of revenge we have neglected our own to the point of losing one, something that never before has happened in the history of the indestructible radioactive tsetse flies. In seeking punishment we had become worse than the people we sought to punish, and have caused far worse things to happen than they ever could.”
Cobbler’s speech greatly moved the fly mob. They now realized that they had acted wrongly in their quest for revenge, and that in doing so they had caused much more harm than good. Most of the flies were also rather tired from all this frenzied destruction and looking forward to a long nap. The mob started to disburse, with flies leaving their fearsome tickilling feathers behind in exchange to an armload of interesting trash. As the flies flew away back to their villages to resume their priory peaceful lives Flog awoke.
“Hey Florg” Cobbler called out “When did you get here? Did you hear that Florg died?”
Florg was still a little lightheaded from passing out and Cobbler’s questions momentarily stunned him. Meanwhile Cobbler started to process the questions he had asked and suddenly realized the absurdity of what he had said.
“Oh no!” cried Cobbler “You weren’t dead, you had just been knocked out. That speech I gave to convince the mob to return to peaceful activities was based on a flawed premise! I must go gather everyone up and tell them they don’t have a reason to stop revolting. With this corrected information…” Cobbler was suddenly interrupted by Florg who was still to worn out to directly speak but never the less he told Cobbler that it was fine, he was sure to fail at his attempts to restart the mob which would probably result in the flies becoming so passive they would all go comatose. Cobbler reluctantly agree as being comatose was one of his least favorite activities, right above gift wrapping and below being bit by weaponized pigs. With the matter settled Cobbler and Florg flew off back to their village looking forward to a spectacle requiring optic soup night.
The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) was confused at the reports that had just been delivered. One report showed the status of Joe on his quest to stop the dangerous tsetse fly mob that was out to destroy the world. It showed that upon reaching the store guarded by Ned the Salesman instead of entering Joe had left, entered an abandon town and bought a jawbreaker from the local candy store and went to a park. While seeing Joe do silly things while he was supposed to be saving the universe was not too surprising the strange part was due to the contents of his other report. That report was on the activities of the radioactive tsetse fly mob. The mob after taking a small stop by the wall had entered the same town that Joe had, however instead of destroying the town the mob congregated at the same park Joe was in and after a little while the mob put down their feathers, cleaned the trash out of the park and flew home. The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) had no idea how Joe had managed to convince the fly mob to stop with just a jawbreaker, but that jawbreaker was sure to have record sales once the public was told that it was responsible for saving the world.
To reward Joe for his brave deeds, The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) sent out a messenger to award Joe ALL CAPITAL LETTERS and to summon him to the hall of The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) for a press conference to regale everyone with tales of his exploits (and why the jawbreaker was so important).
Joe awoke in the now empty park, greatly bewildered as to what had happened. The angry fly mob was gone, the strange cow statue mountain thing was nowhere in sight, even the large mound of trash that had been heaped inexplicably in a park was gone. All that remained was Joe and that terrible crunchy jawbreaker. He had no idea why anyone would make such a vile creation but he knew now that despite its grand happy sweet potato looks it was most certainly not anything like his favorite childhood food. Joe was torn as to what he should do, he felt he should find the nefarious jawbreaker and make sure it was properly contained to prevent danger to anyone else but he was also terrified at the idea of contacting the jawbreaker again lest he inadvertently taste it. Despite the risks he knew he must dispose of it, no matter what the risk to himself he could not leave this dangerous item out where it could harm anyone else.
As Joe finished disposing of the diabolical jawbreaker, a messenger arrived from The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner). “Greetings Joe! The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) extends his congratulations on success of your quest. Your brave actions have save countless lives. As a reward you are to be given ALL CAPITAL LETTERS and will be escorted to the hall of The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) for personal congratulations.”
JOE (J) gratefully accepted the letters, assuming they were a reward for his daring disposal of the terrible jawbreaker. After his experience losing his capital ‘J’ JOE (J) decided to keep his original capital ‘J’ as a reserve letter incase something were to happen to his newly awarded letters. At this thought an ominous shadow in the shape of a four appeared before JOE (J), but moments after it had appeared it vanished. JOE (J) figured the strange four shadow was nothing more than a trick of the eye and paid little attention to it. Instead he hurried off with the messenger to visit the hall of The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) for congratulations on his heroics.
The man in the trench was pleased. He had observed all that had occurred in the park. His plan had resulted in success at success and success at failure. The mob of tsetse flies making up the tsetse fly mob was no longer a threat and now his plan that he had planned would be able to continue as planned without any further interruptions to his plan. Soon he would be able to be rid of this most silly partnership by removing his partner from the partnership leaving him partnerless. The man in the trench coat was most certainly excited with excitement from the exciting results. For the man knew some knowledge that soon the candy store owner would be deposed, and he, The Ruler of the Universe, would once again have sole control over The Universe, and now the candy store.
*While much less dangerous than Ned the Salesman the workers at The Candy Store are much feared for their strong selling abilities.
**The jawbreakers are amazing as they net The Candy Store more in profit than the customer pays for them.
Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore awoke to find himself in what seemed to be a park in the middle of a city. The tourists that had been surrounding him were nowhere to be found and without their reinforcement of his new identity he felt more like himself, or at least more like Florg Stunt Cow 2 and not Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore which was still not like feeling like Florg but it was a step in the right direction. The park in which Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore had awoken in was unusually empty. It was warm and sunny out with only a few random clouds in the sky and yet despite the nice weather there was nobody in the park as far as Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore could see. In fact the current lack of people seemed to stretch beyond just the park, the sidewalks were empty and the only cars to be seen were parked on the side of the road or carelessly abandon in the middle of the street. Something was most certainly amiss in this place but Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore had no idea what it could be.
Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore then heard a buzzing sound. Looking around he realized that one of the large masses floating up in the sky he had at first thought was a cloud was actually a massive swarm of angry looking tsetse flies. This swarm of flies was quickly approaching which is probably why the citizens of this town had fled. Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore was about to leave in a panic as well when suddenly remembered that he was a tsetse Fly Stunt Cow 2 National monument and thus he would be safe from the angry fly mob. This realization was quickly surpassed by another more startling realization, in his current state the fly mob may not see him as another fly but rather as a cow or a mountain, neither of which would afford him much protection against the coming mob. Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore thought about hiding from the coming mob but his current personality was too big to effectively hide anywhere. Thus he stood his ground hoping to the mob would not spot him.
(something all the time cool was here that does not place nicely with HTML)
Joe soon arrived at a desolate looking city. The streets were empty, the stores were closed, and there was not a person in sight. Joe had been hoping to acquire some sustenance, attempting to save the universe had left him rather hungry. This hope was in the process of being dashed as it seemed the town was deserted. He continued to wander around in search of food and fortunately for his stomach he stumbled upon the only store in the city still open, The Candy Store.
Upon entering The Candy Store all five of Joes senses were greeted with an overpowering presence of sugar. The store was full of sugar in various forms, from piles of hard candies to balloons filled with concentrated sugar vapor and everything in between. Joe was soon lost amongst the stores vast selection so much so that he didn’t notice the arrival of The Candy Store Worker until it was too late*.
“Greetings customer! How many thousands of dollars can I assist you in spending today? We currently have a special on these amazing jawbreakers** (WARNING JAWBREAKERS KNOWN TO NOT CONTAIN FOOD, DO NOT EAT, HANDLE ONLY WITH APPROPRIATE HAND AND EYE PROTECTION, HEARING PROTECTION IS STRONGLY RECOMMENDED)”
Joe, having been taken by surprise, foolishly responded with “Sure, I’ll have an orange one” And after some quick payment acquisition Joe was deposited outside the store with jawbreaker in hand and what felt like one less kidney inside. With the jawbreaker acquired Joe set out to find a place to relax and enjoy it. The sun was still shining and with the exception of some far off dark buzzing clouds the sky was perfectly clear. Joe wandered into the park and discovered it had a most unusual piece of art, it looked like a scale model of Mount Rushmore except one of the presidents had been replaced with a daring looking cow and another had been replaced with a glowing tsetse fly. He figured the back side of the page must have just had some strange presidents in their past and decided to sit down in the shade of the large monument to enjoy his snack.
Aaron exited the snack tunnels with a large bag of absconded snacks, eager to set out and enjoy his tasty plunder. However the man in the trench coat had different plans for Aaron. He would not have time to enjoy his snacks for he was destined for a destiny of successive successes. He would plunder to plunder and snacks to snack on later for now the action required was action. The trench coat man’s minions soon found Aaron and informed him of the information they had been given. The man in the trench coat knew this knowledge needed to necessitate Aaron’s cooperation and thus he had been specially formed it to form a need to help in the mind of the recipient. Upon receiving this knowledge Aaron, the recipient, knew what he must do. He set out to seek success in succeeding but failure at failing at the tasks he had been tasked to do. It was unclear what assignments he had been assigned to do but it certainly was certain that the work he worked to do would result in results that would make Joe succeed at what he was currently failing at.
Joe approached the world saving supply depot filled with resolve and determination. He would not fail at this mission that had been set out before him. All the people of the world and perhaps even the entire universe depended on Joe and his ability to retrieve the fly swatter. There was no other way, all the other “heroes” that had gone before him had failed or made things worse. Now he was the last person available, if he did not succeed then the world would be left with no options other than surrender. And as cliché as it may sound surrender was not an option, the tsetse flies left unchecked would destroy the world with their nefarious tickilling and then they would spread like a plague to other worlds using their radioactive strength to reach the corner* of the universe.
Not only was Joe the last chance for the universe but this store was the last chance for Joe. The tsetse flies had become immensely powerful from their radiation exposure, not only had they become deadly in their abilities to tickle people but they were also nigh indestructible. The radiation had made them extremely tough and resilient, even their enhanced strength could not hurt them. They had become immune to almost all forms of attack and harm, the only known thing that could be effectively used to combat them was the fly swatter of ultimate power. The fly swatter could only be obtained at the store in front of Joe. The very store that was guarded by the much feared “Ned the Salesman”. But Joe knew what was at stake, no matter how fierce and dangerous the trip may be he must not fail. Even at the risk of his personal safety he must press on, the fate of the universe truly did rest upon him and he was the last shot at saving it. Complete success was the only viable outcome of this mission, anything less would not be good enough to stop the flies.
Thus with full knowledge of what was at stake Joe approached the store ready to face any terrible thing that lay before him. As the store came closer Joe could see through the windows the shadowy figure of Ned the Salesman darting about, giving product demos, sales pitches and ringing up customers nearly simultaneously. The strange man that had tried to warn Joe was right, Ned most certainly had superhuman abilities to multitask, it would not be possible to sneak in undetected. Despite the danger Joe pressed on finally arriving at the front doors. Just as Joe reached up to open the door he say something so terrifying and terrible that he became completely frozen. On the door were scrawled (in nicely printed text) “Members Only – apply inside”. Joe recoiled in horror, in order to purchase the much needed fly swatter of ultimate power Joe would have to become a member of this store. He would be forced to fill out an application and pay for the ability to spend his money at this store, and in return they would analyze his purchasing history and send him targeted advertisements. And Joe just hated getting junk mail, it was always such a letdown after the excitement of seeing mail in your mail box to realize it was nothing more than an impersonal targeted advertisement. There was only one option left, Joe would give up, he was ready to risk possible enslavement for life working off debt incurred at the hands of a powerful salesman but he was not willing to risk incurring junk mail. Having made up his mind that the risks (junk mail) were not worth the benefits (saving the universe) Joe promptly turned around and headed back the way he came.
With renewed determination and unobstructed vision Cobbler flew off towards the now mostly destroyed city in the hopes of stopping its inevitable destruction. Despite the many setbacks Cobbler had experienced he finally managed to arrive at the city, which he found to be a rather nice place for a giant radioactive fly. The streets were covered in piles of rubble and other debris resulting in all sorts of interesting looking lumps and intriguing new smells. Cobbler was unsure why the angry fly mob was determined to destroy this rather nice place but he was set upon stopping them. In order to stop the angry mob Cobbler worked on constructing an elaborate trap, when the mob came to destroy this pile of rubble he would unleash a large bag of garbage which would most certainly be so intriguing that it would cause the flies to forget their previous mission of terror and go play in it.
∙-∙∙ — — -∙- ∙- ∙∙∙ ∙ -∙-∙ ∙ – — ∙ ∙∙∙ ∙∙∙ ∙- –∙ ∙
A few hour laters found Joe sitting down sound asleep. Much to his great fortune the laters, being of the hour variety, were content to just draw some silly mustaches on him and rotate his shoe laces. Had they been laters of a more aggressive type Joe may have awoken to find his shoes on fire and his teeth rotated. When Joe finally awoke he felt a little light headed from all the market fumes but otherwise well rested. He still was stymied on what he could do to alleviate his current quandary of impending enslavement of devastation of the world. He was at an impasse, he must enter the store and retrieve the only object in existence that would render the tsetse fly threat but he also must not enter the store for that establishment would result in a fate far worse than death. Joe needed to contrive a methodology for acquiring the fly swatter while alleviating the imminent threat of perpetual enslavement. Sadly Joe was using all his consciousness not affected by the marker fumes to come up with all these polysyllabic words and thus was forced to relegate planning to his the part of his mind currently impaired with fumes of dubious origins.
As Joe began to ponder his options a plethora of ideas flowed into his head. Most of them once transferred from the fume ailed sections of his mind to ones with a firmer grasp on reality were found to be so bizarre and incomprehensible that they made so little sense that Joe could not even figure out what parts of them didn’t make sense. The few ideas that did come through seemed dubious in origin as they all involved sending money to the marker manufacturer and telling all his friends to do the same. Realizing that this current endeavor was yielding little productivity Joe determined that he must concede his properly functioning brain to the development of a plan and not use it to generate an obscure and pretentious vocabulary.
As Joe thought with his properly functioning brain an idea suddenly struck him like something a box of Fumes-a-lot Brand Markers!®™©! (his simile center has also been relegated to the marker fume affected areas). All Joe had to do was rush into the store and explain to the salesman in an eloquent manor that he was on a quest of extreme importance and that acquisition of the fly swatter of ultimate power was paramount to the success of his endeavor and nay the entire safety of the world. Sadly his planning part of the brain was using words that his fume ailed comprehension section could not understand, thus under the assumption that “eloquent manor” meant plugging his ears and what he was supposed to explain was to yell “Lalelilolu ha ha!” and “acquisition” meant grabbing and running. And thus with some semblance of a plan devised Joe breathed a sigh of relief (finally exhaling the last of the fumes) and set forth on his ill-interpreted plan to save the world.
Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore rolled into the nearby town in search of an identity protection agency. Much to the despair of Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore the town he had entered currently had a surplus of tourists and a dearth of anything remarkable or interesting to wait in line to take pictures of. Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore was soon overwhelmed with hoards of people all wanting to see the amazing fly turned stunt cow national monument. The large crowd lined up to see the national monument further reinforced that identity and Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore became more and more like Mount Rushmore and less and less like that of an ordinary giant radioactive tsetse fly. Just little before it seemed completely hopeless he was grabbed by a strange looking shadowy figure hidden in an even more shadowy and strange looking shape. The strange occurrence of happenstance was confusing enough to deter the tourist who didn’t want to think to hard about what was actually going on, but for Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore it proved to be jarring enough to render him completely unconscious.
“Beware! Beware! All monies will be taken! The hoards of junk are coming!” cried the strange man who was running to Joe. “You must turn back before poverty strikes!” The man arrived waving what appeared to be a snow shovel made of ice and a large basket made of woven sausage links. “These” the main said gesturing towards his unusual objects “are just some of the terrible things to be thrust upon you. They will be piled upon you till you can afford no more and then you will be send penniless into the land!”
“Why is it that I always encounter such crazy people, why can’t I ever meet someone who is normal and not in a mad panic about stuff that is probably silly, irrational and or not actually a problem.” Joe had gotten used to his strange inability to directly speak and thus didn’t actually think that what he had said would be heard by anyone. Joe attempted to apologize for such an outburst but he seemed incapable, mostly because the man who seemed undeterred from the complaining interrupted him.
“The very fact I seem insane should serve as a grave warning to you, for I was most certainly normal before I made the foolish choice to venture near this haunted store. But one fateful day long ago I made the mistake of coming to this store to buy some good. It was so long ago that I can’t even remember what it was but it was surely was not worth the suffering and destruction that was brought upon me, for the moment I stepped into that store I was hunted by the terrible creature that protects that store, Ned the Salesman. According to legend Ned was originally a normal employee, a rather mediocre one at that. One fateful day Ned was putting away some supplies in the employee storage room when the shelf above him collapsed, raining down all the employee training videos and documents. The shelf also contained a large bottle of ‘absurdly super glue’ which broke open and covered Ned and all the training material. The glue fused the material with Ned giving him superhuman employee powers. His newly acquired powers obtained him the job of head salesman where his superhuman abilities allows him to sell anything to anyone, as long as they have the money to pay for it, and even then some cannot resist his abilities and continue to buy. Those poor souls become trapped by the store, forced to work in the basement factory producing random things until their debt is paid off. There is no way to sneak past Ned, he never takes breaks he doesn’t even require sleep as he is powered by the buzzwords of the employee training giving him a near infinite supply of power.”
“But if Ned never rests how could you have escaped? I must travel into that store to retrieve a fly swatter of ultimate power, the fate of the world rests upon it”
“While your quest seems noble I am afraid I cannot help, I only managed to escape because of a sudden arrival of a very wealthy customer which provided a sufficient distraction for Ned. However that was many years ago and he has subsequently been awarded many employee of the month awards greatly increasing his powers and abilities to multi task have been substantially improved. And now I must delay no further, for over there are more foolish potential customers needing warning.” At this the man ran off yelling “Beware!”
Joe was now left alone in quite a predicament, he needed to enter the store but he also had a strong desire to not become an eternal slave to an overzealous salesman. Unsure of how to proceed he sat down to contemplate his next move.
A former roommate actually started one of his papers this way. He got an A. No, it wasn’t a history paper. It was one of those throw-away response papers we had to write for a class on sustainable practices. I won’t let him forget it.
Only one more comic after this, maybe two if I can manage. I’ll admit that it’s kinda bittersweet. It’s been stressful at times, but I’ve had so much fun drawing a new comic each week. Maybe I’ll put them together into a book at the end – all 46 or 47 off them.
I find that women tend to ask me a lot of questions like this. Not any one woman in particular – just women in general. Sometimes it bugs me, but I suppose most of their questions are justified.
I give my “two weeks’ notice” to the newspaper after I submitted this comic, meaning that there will only be two more comics posted this term. Possibly three if I can submit one more for week 10.