Month: September 2010

*An Oar is a unit of metric time, there are 10 Oars in a day
**A third is a metric unit of time. There are 100 thirds in a minute.

Florg Stunt Cow 2 arrived at the store of Fred and was immediately greeted by the existence of Fred’s pet pet.
“Salutations how does this day find you? hollow hoe oar eww?” screamed the pet pet’s existence as it ran from the room, leaving Fred’s pet pet behind to wallow in its lack of existence. With the pet pet no longer possessing existence Florg Stunt Cow 2 tried speak but was still prevented by the pet pet who to spite the existence was still there. Fortunately it was Florg Stunt Cow 2’s lucky day as Fred burst into the room from below via the skylight in the ceiling to make his pet pet clean up the mess his entrance had made.
“Thank you kind sir for removing your pet pet. I must say I have seen many pets in the wild or zoos but I have never seen someone keep a pet as a pet, its mere presence was quite there.” Florg Stunt Cow 2 regained his composure and blurted out “You must help me fix my name make a cake. I can’t take much more of this correction betterment of my speech!”
“I would help you however I am greatly confused, as my speech is usually wrong and thus obviously has no correction applied to it. Now I must ask you to leave if you are going to buy anything, this spot is for non customers only.”
“But you must be able to help me, the magic 8-ball of correct-but-mostly-useless-answers said that the person who was a thing was called Fred and that he would be able to help me.” begged Florg Stunt Cow 2.
“I’m sorry but you must be mistaken, beggers can’t be choosers and you chose to come here thus you must not be begging now. As for you being a thing that is most certainly absurd, anyone can see that you are more likely to be an adjective and not a noun. And now if you will excused you I must now leave to another dimension for a few oars*, avast!” at this Fred chucked Florg Stunt Cow 2 out of his shop as the store promptly vanished leaving behind nothing but what had been there before. Florg Stunt Cow 2 would have been bewildered by what had just taken place, however in his hurried exit he had left his mind behind, and now in its new dimension it was a few time zones behind. Fortunately due to some quick thinking Florg Stunt Cow 2’s mind was able to get back to his body in a matter of thirds**.

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Joe boldly trekked over the land certain that he would soon find the magic 8-ball which would answer his question to help him defeat the tsetse flies so he could save the world which would somehow allow him to get home. As Joe walk along he was met by a strange looking man holding an assortment or strange objects which only inherently describable features of them were their color. Joe knew that talking to this man would probably involve all sorts of strange happenstance and hohah, but he could not risk not talking to him lest he have valuable information that could help him. The man approached Joe and took the blue off his head and waved it in greeting
“Good day dear sir. Might I be able to interest you in some fine colors today? I have the widest selection of useful colors, for example this green here is full of necessary vitamins and nutrients, everyone should have some greens in their diet. Or maybe you could use some orange, this color was used to fight off scurvy on the high seas, it was said the Orange Beard the pirate was so fierce because his crew never got sick!”
“Wait a second, that’s absurd!” Joe wanted to leave as it was obvious that this man would not be of any help, but Joe could not let this chunk of incorrect maritime lore go unprotested. “Scurvy is caused by a vitamin C deficiency and thus the cure is foods with vitamin C, while oranges the fruit are a good source the color orange being an adjective is not even a tangible object. Even if it was to assume it shared the nutritive properties of a fruit because it had the same name would be absurd. Furthermore there was no pirate Orange Beard, you just made him up in an attempt to sell your wares!”
“Aye, it’s true, me claims are a bit exaggerated but there is most certainly an Orange Beard, for I am he!” At this the man ripped off the mask he was apparently wearing to reveal a massive orange pirate beard. “And now that ye know I must force you to work on me crew, Yarrg!” Orange Beard lunged at Joe holding aloft a menacing yellow and a sharp looking blue but fortunately for Joe Orange Beard was a pirate and thus had sea legs, which while useful when out to sea were very ineffective on land. Joe quickly sidestepped the pirate and watched as he tumbled down the convenient hill into the valley of characters that didn’t last more than a chapter.
Joe scooped up the colors the strange pirate had dropped and tossed them into his knapsack, figuring they may somehow come in handy, and continued on his journey towards what he thought was the location that he would later be told. Unfortunately Joe did not realize that these colors needed to be transported in very specific manors, by carelessly jamming them into his pack the colors got squashed and mixed together creating very ugly and nefarious color.

*Despite really big city’s terrible store management they offer excellent insurance at affordable rates, buy yours today!
Really big city insurance covers you against all disasters to befall you except for:
Destruction by exploding cabbages flung by vision impaired radioactive tsetse flies*

*It most certainly could not be a sign as it did not forbid flowers

The man with a trench coat covering all but his ears watched from afar as Joe left the coffee shoppe. He was concerned that all Joe had done so far was to aid the flies with valuable coffee saving coupons and he had done nothing to stop them. The man in the trench coat called over his minions “I fear Joe is failing at succeeding much as you succeeded to fail. If he manages to keep succeeding he most certainly will fail as that seems to be what he thinks is success. We must find a way to make Joe fail at failing thus leading to him succeeding at what must be done. We need someone that will make Joe fear failure, someone who succeeded at scaring Joe. We need Aaron! (yes that Aaron)” The minions of the trench coat man set out to the chip mines to rescue the Aaron that had been most certainly imprisoned in a place that might probably be there.

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As Joe left the coffee shoppe he had a startling realization, by giving the manager those coupons he had aided the angry fly mob. Joe was certain that great sounding deals on most undoubtedly terrible coffee would somehow grant the fly mob even more power, making the mob go from unstoppable to most assuredly unstoppable. Joe feared that the if he encountered the fly mob now they would most defiantly destroy him, and that would make his quest to stop them even more difficult. There must be some way to stop the indestructible flies, and Joe was determined to find it, sadly he had no idea where to even start looking for such and object if one even existed. This, however, did not deter Joe, for he was determined to stop these flies that he had helped make even more unstoppable. Despite the numerous mentions of determination, Joe was still at a loss for the how, but suddenly something struck him, it was the chimney from the coffee soaked house falling off and hitting Joe in the foot. Upon closer inspection Joe noticed that there was a rolled up note jammed inside the chimney of the house. After wringing out the note and unrolling it Joe read the following:

“The answer is something like sea”
Subpar answers brought to you by the magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers

Joe placed the paper carefully the chimney which he placed in his pack and carelessly chucked away the rest of the soggy house. This paper was most certainly a sign* that Joe should seek out this magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers in order to find a way to stop the unstoppable tsetse fly army. While Joe did not know where this magic-8 ball of close but-not-quite-correct-answers was located, but he was certain he would retroactively ask it when he got there. Thus certain that he had knowledge he thought he would soon obtain Joe set off in the direction that seemed most likely to contain this magic-8 ball that would aid him in his quest.

*Free z’s only available for purchases of double mega ultra small sizes or longer.
**75% applies to the contents not the price

The angry fly mob, having sufficiently torched and tickled the buildings and people inhabiting the city, were in need of energy and thus went to one of the few remaining buildings, the local coffee shoppe*. Upon entry the flies were enraged to see that the lines were separated into a “real people and other non-tsetse flies only” line and a “dirt, garbage and perhaps tsetse flies, we guess, if we have to” line. The flies became even more angry to find their line actually lead to the exit. Surprisingly they were mostly okay to see that the tsetse fly seating area was actually just a trash receptacle with a sign saying “place trash and tsetse flies here” (this was mostly due to the flies liking to say word receptacle.) The mob was about ready to storm out and file a complaint with the better business burro, the business accountability donkey when suddenly the manager, who was desperate for customers of any kind, including tsetse flies, leaped out from behind the counter with some 75% off coupons** and begged them to stay (at least long enough to pay some money and hopefully short enough forget to pick up their orders). The fly mob could not be deterred by the man’s impassioned plea but the prospects of getting 75% off their order intrigued them so they decided to stay. Soon the flies were full of coffee and free of those cumbersome loot bags, bursting with sugar induced energy and caffeine caused jitters, ready to go forth and continue with the tickilling and torching of the land.

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The tunnel was dark and damp, in spite of the good lighting and adequate drainage. Joe attempted to travel down it without seeming too dark or damp but while still not being fully lit or dry as to not incur the wrath of either one of the battling forces in the tunnel. This attempt failed as it ended up with Joe being poorly lit and moist, which caused him to be mocked by the lighting and lack thereof and shunned by the damp and drainage. Fortunately for Joe the tunnel was much shorter than prior tunnels he had been in and only lasted to the end of this paragraph.
As Joe climbed up the ladder leading him out of the tunnel he was immediately approached by a man begging him for help. “You must help me” begged the man “This is so serious it must be communicated in multiple ways”. Joe having been begged by the man who begged him for help felt he must help him as he had begged for help and thus he allowed the begging man to continue his plea. “I am the manager of this fine coffee zombie refueling station and the most terrible thing has happened, a band of angry tsetse flies came in and if I don’t do something to appease them they will torch this place, or even worse, leave without buying anything!”
“The angry tsetse fly mob here?” Joe immediately leapt inside the nearby large novelty coffee mug in an attempt to hide from the fly mob, lest they tickle him to death (or a really bad sideache). Sadly the mug was full of novelty coffee which despite its many non-coffee properties it still was very hot causing Joe to leap back out faster than he got in, resulting in him colliding with his past self who was jumping into the mug. Fortunately for the integrity of the timeline the collision resulted in the incoming Joe to be throw into the mug while the outgoing Joe ended up slamming into the floor.
“While your reflexes are impressive they are un-needed. The fly mob is no longer here” reassured the manager “when I saw the mob enter I took my break early, thus placing me at break time to give me some extra time to think. Sadly my break is almost up and then I will be forced to go back to the time when the mob is here and I’ll still have nothing to stop them with.”
Joe reached into his knapsack to see if he had been given anything that could be used to help this man defend himself against a hoard of angry caffeine deprived tsetse flies. As Joe opened the knapsack the manager spotted a pack of 75% off coupon for the coffee shoppe and snatched them. He then dove into the employee break room only to emerge 30 minutes earlier to deal with the flies. Joe was about to leave when the manager’s break ended and he suddenly appeared.
“You must not leave without a reward, those coupons appeased the flies and lead to record sales. Here, have a cup of our best coffee, on the house!” at this the manager produced a small house in which he proceeded to pour coffee all over. He then handed the soggy mess to Joe and shooed him out the do to prevent dripping on the coffee stained floors.

*Actual patron’s number may vary, results not typical, ask your store owner if being a millionth customer is right for you, some assembly required.

Florg Stunt Cow 2 hurriedly set out to find the magic 8-ball of correct-but-mostly-useless-answers to ask it how to fix his name. Because he was pressed for time Florg Stunt Cow 2 started looking for the ball in the last place he looked, as one always finds things in the last place you look. Thus he quickly found it and proceeded to ask it the question of how to get his name fixed. Sadly the answer was most certainly mostly useless: “To fix your name you must find the man who was a thing”. Florg Stunt Cow 2 couldn’t understand what the answer even was trying to say, it just left more questions. How could a thing become a person? How would they be able to help? Things can’t do things. Why wasn’t that last one a question? Florg Stunt Cow 2 needed more help, and despite the strict “one vague answer per customer” policy Florg Stunt Cow 2 decided to ask “what is the name of the man who was a thing?” Surprisingly the magic 8-ball of correct-but-mostly-useless-answers responded with “There is one who calls him Fred”. Florg Stunt Cow 2 was surprised that there was an answer and that it seemed straight forward and rather helpful. Florg Stunt Cow 2 knew someone with a name that is probably Fred and thus he went off to find him, eager to get his name fixed a sandwich.

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Joe stumbled towards the city, still confused how a city on fire would help him get home, but with each step towards it the feeling that he must go this way increased. As he neared the city Joe saw the cause of the fires, a large mob of giant flies were buzzing about with feathers and torches, tickling and torching everything in sight. Suddenly Joe saw something absolutely terrifying, In front of the fly mob was a fly yelling frantically what must be orders to the others (Joe had never learned to speak tsetse fly, he had taken gerbil in high school instead). The idea that the fly mob had a leader did not terrify Joe, but this leader had a familiar giant blue afro, the very same afro that had previously plagued Joe until it finally was chased off by the random Joe. Joe was now sure that these flies were a great menace, anything lead by someone willingly wearing the evil afro most certainly was up to no good and needs to be stopped.
“Wait!” cired Cobbler to the mob of flies “Destroying this city is not the way to gain equality for tsetse flies! This will just cause more fear and dislike of the flies, and then nobody will ever buy our pickles again! We must work with people to show them that we are not a threat and that we are valuable and productive members of society. Resorting to barbaric mobs and angry attacks will only further antagonize the populous and keep us or our pickles from ever becoming accepted into society.” Cobbler’s plea despite its wise words and sound economical advice fell deaf on the fly mob and onto the rubble below, where the only person to hear it was Joe who mistook the impassioned plea for an angry call to arms. Joe knew he had no chance against the entire mob and thus he ducked into one of the few buildings that was still standing.
The room Joe had ducked into looked like a standard office, it had a nice front desk with assorted potted plants around to obscure view of the depressing rows of cubicles in the back. This office was unique in that everything was coated in chocolate, except the floor which seemed to have a layer of powered sugar in place of carpeting. Joe was slightly confused by this until he saw the sign:
Welcome to the Universe regional office (and the candy store)
Sugar free service available!
NO FLOWERS!
Upon seeing Joe, the receptionist (and the candy store worker) directed Joe to take a seat (and a free candy sample) and informed him that he would be seen shortly. This bewildered Joe even more than the candy coated chairs, didn’t the receptionist just see him? why can’t they see him now? and how would he become visible again? Joe most certainly didn’t feel invisible but perhaps invisibility isn’t something one can feel, and if Joe was invisible then he could sneak away from the angry fly mob and continue his quest to get home. Before Joe had a chance to get unstuck from the chair and leave, The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) walked in to see Joe, thus rendering him most certainly visible.
“Greetings brave hero and one millionth* customer!” cried The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) “Your decision or patronage to this place has earned you a most valuable reward, you will get to save the world from this horrible plague o’ flies that plagues the land so.”
“But I don’t want to do such a thing” whined Joe “that sounds like a time-consuming quest that will be full of problems difficulties, barriers, troubles, obstructions and travails! I’m not even sure what a travail is and I would rather not find out. I need to get home.”
“But you must be the one to save us all, all our other attempts to rid the land of these flies has failed, but surely you, the millionth customer, could save us. Besides you agreed to such an arrangement when you walked into this store” The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) said while directing Joe towards the sizable fine print next to the sign.
Joe was going to further protest but upon inspecting fine print of the sign it seemed it was surprisingly well worded and legally binding for such a most unusual establishment. Joe had had enough bad experiences with the law in this strange world to know that going against it would probably wind up with him losing a letter, limb or something alliteratively more unpleasant and it most certainly would involve that crazy anti-gravity lawyer Puddenhead. Thus Joe finally gave in and agreed to stop the hoards of radioactive tsetse flies that tickled people to death (or a really bad side ache) perhaps along the way he would happen across a way to escape the back side of the page once and for all. The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) gave Joe a knapsack filled with supplies (and valuable coupons) for his quest and showed him a tunnel he could use to exit the building undetected. Joe set off down the tunnel, feeling surprisingly excited about the prospects of this new adventure.