Month: October 2010

Florg Stunt Cow 2 was greatly saddened happy. His quest to fix his name make a cake had led him to Fred, but Fred did nothing but leave for another dimension and accidently took Florg Stunt Cow 2’s mind with him. This quest seemed hopeless, he now had no idea where he could find someone to aid him. It seemed he would be forever trapped with a name that is broken awesome.
As Florg Stunt Cow 2 flew back home depressed excited about his failure soon to be made cake he was struck with a thought. He could get a new name, granted it wouldn’t be as nice as Florg Stunt Cow 2 but it would most certainly be better than Stunt Cow 2 Florg. Florg Stunt Cow 2 quickly changed directions to fly to the nearest identity shelter to adopt a new identity.

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Joe finally arrived at the edge of the great barren ‘forest’ only to find that calling it a ‘forest’ was a gross inadequacy, it should be referred to as a “forest” or a “‘forest’” or maybe even a [quote quote] “forest” (seriously). While Joe was busy making air quotes with his fingers and trying to pronounce italics and parentheticals something was busy watching him. The shadowy figure observed Joe from afar, trying to determine if he should be viewed as a threat, or perhaps lunch. The figure figured Joe’s fingers were filled with fragments of french fries, the figure’s favorite food. Fortunately for Joe the figure was full of fear of being found and thus fled for now. As the figure fled it felt full of failure, it failed to fill its figure and now it was feeling famished for the figure was not too fit and fleeing as fast as the figure could used lots of the figure’s fuel.
Joe wandered around the not-forest trying to find some clue as to the location of the magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers. This task was difficult as Joe’s only directions relied on following trees with green leaves, which this not-forest was currently experiencing a dearth of. This task was made even more difficult due to the plethora of non trees that were currently occupying this not-forest. Joe ducked under an overhanging bus and scrambled over a pile of pens in hopes of getting a better view to be able to see his destination. The view atop the pile of pens was indeed better, but that was mostly due to Joe no longer having to look at the pile of pens, which happened to be quite ugly. From his new vantage point Joe saw that this not-forest was very densely packed with non-trees and any attempts to travel though it would be rather troublesome. Joe felt there must a better way to travel through this mess of non-trees and decided to sit down and think up an alternative. This idea turned out to be a rather bad one, for as Joe sat down on the top of the pile a few pens were knocked out of their place and tumbled down the pile. As they fell they caused more pens to be knocked loose and as the reactions continued the pens became entangled and formed large pen balls which rolled with great speed out in all directions from the pen pile. Joe watched in horror as the balls rolled and bumped into things leaving large ink splotches and thick ink trails in their wake.
From all around the pile Joe started to he cries of anguish and anger. The previous forest residents and the current not-forest residents did no appreciate Joe’s accidental redecorating. The residents crawled, walked, slithered and jumped out of their caves, holes, shelters and huts and started to surround the pen pile. Joe pointed out to the distance at something that was most certainly not a tree and yelled “Hey look a tree!” which distracted the former forest residence with hope of trees returning and the non-forest residence with intrigue as to what this mythical “tree” thing looked like. As the crowd of creatures looked in the direction Joe had pointed, Joe took this opportunity to skedaddle down the other side of the pen pile. As Joe fled he trigged a pen avalanche and was quickly caught up in the wall of falling pens. In a stroke of luck the avalanche threw Joe over a very thick patch of underbrush giving him a wall between him and the angry residents of the not-forest and the previously forest. Joe was not lucky enough to not get completely covered in ink, but this did not deter him from continuing on in search of the magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers.

The chip mines were a desolate place. The tunnels were poorly lit, the floors were full of holes and sharp protrusions waiting to trip people and the air was thick with the orange dust of the nacho cheese flavoring. The miners hack fervently at the walls trying to break off chunks of raw chip in order to meet their daily chip quota. If they failed to mine enough chip they would be sent to work in the deeper tunnels where there were more unstable flavors. Those chips had to be mined with great care lest the chips explode in a blast of extreme flavor. The last of such explosions completely burned out the taste buds of 5 miners and 26 more had to undergo months of taste bud rehabilitation. Even deeper in the mines was Aaron (of course that Aaron!) who was assigned in the deepest part of the mines to use his “unique” “talents” to “mine” “chips”. Despite Aaron’s “legitimate” “job” “description” he was actually conducting a far more different task. He had been sent to the very deepest possible point in the mine, down to the tunnel that led straight to the molten snack center of the earth. He was stationed there to ensure that nobody ventured down this dangerous tunnel, and more importantly that nothing form the dangerous tunnel ventured up to the surface. This rather dangerous tunnel had not been sealed as it was located near an vein of extremely popular flavor of chip and the could not risk potential destruction of the delicate chips. Thus Aaron was stationed as a sentry, protecting the mines and the world from the dangerous snacks that lurked below.

▲▲▼▼◄►◄►BA! ▲▲▼▼◄►◄►BA! ▲▲▼▼◄►◄►BA!

Joe walked towards what was recently a forest, hopping that the lack of trees would allow him to find his destination easier. As Joe neared the edge of the ‘forest’ he saw an odd looking wall. The wall was made of stone, just tall enough to prevent one from climbing over it, however it only was about 20 feet wide. The center of the wall had a small wooden door and at each end there were large wheels which rested upon tracks in the ground. Joe attempted to walk around this wall that was sure to be a source of annoyance and grief but as he neared it the wall rolled along its track and positioned itself in front of Joe. Joe tried to run around the wall but it continued to roll in the way. It was surprisingly quick for a large heavy stone wall and no matter how hard Joe tried he could not outrun it. Finally tired and exhausted Joe knocked on the door, hopping to gain entry.
“Who goes there?” Inquired a British sounding shade of blue “What business do you have with the wall?”
“I am doing some stuff that requires me to go place, and that place happens to be past this the wall of yours” Joe was understandably untrusting of sentient color that controlled a moving wall and thus tried to keep details to a minimum.
“What is your name?” Asked a German sounding green “only the most important may pass the wall.”
“My name? I most certainly have one I assure you. As fo my importance I most assuredly have some, for I must do some very important stuff, stuff with importance so great that words can not describe it.
“How do we know you are not lying?” Questioned the Spanish red “You could be an enemy of the wall, you may be here to destroy the wall!”
“I, man who most certainly has a name, assure you that everything I said is the vaguest possible truth, you must believe me that I have no intention of harming your the wall. I only wish to pass through this barrier so that I may continue on my journey and complete my quest of no details.”
“He must be lying!” Cried some Russian yellow “There is no stuff so important that warrants letting one through the wall unless it was a quest to save the universe from some airborne laughter inducing menace. The man with most certainly a name cannot be on such a quest or he would have simply walked around the wall as to not waste time getting through it.”
“But a quest to save the world is the stuff I have to do. You must let me through or else the world as we know it may end!”
“Bah! You only claim to be on such a quest now because we told you it would be the only way to get past the wall. Your feeble attempts at deception will not work on us.”
“the wall and cease wasting our time!”
“You must let me past! I must get past this the wall so I may find the magic 8-ball in the forest full of not trees so I may find the secret to destroying the indestructible flies so that I may return to the other side of the world where everything is different.”
“If you will not leave on your own accord we will remove you by force. Guards, seize him!” At this a group of tough looking colour came out of the wall and headed towards Joe who was to stunned with the absurdity of what he had just yelled to a bunch of colour to react. The colours quickly surrounded Joe and started closing in, things looked grim until something started to shake inside Joe’s pack. Joe still somewhat bewildered opened up his pack unleashing the nefarious color that had grown within.
““Stand back!” Cried the color “I may look unusual but I poses power far greater than any of you. If you do not surrender now I will destroy all of you and your precious the wall.” The color charged at the surrounding colours who fell back in pain at the sheer sight of it. The color then leap onto the top of the wall easily defeating the foreign colours residing up there. In a final flash of eye melting color, the color jumped high into the air and crashed down upon the wall reducing it to a pile of terribly clashing rubble. Joe thankful that the wall was no longer in his way and eager to get the horrible sight out of his field of vision quickly skirted the rubble and headed on towards the edge of the ‘forest’.

The angry fly mob caused massive amounts of destruction with their caffeine induced energy. As the caffeine wore off their destruction became less and less until the completely crashed and ended up doing so little destruction that they were actually rebuilding a section of the city. This further angered the flies as they were very tired for rebuilding a city was hard work, making them more tired, which resulted in more rebuilding. This anger gave them renewed energy and thus allowing them ton continue their destruction. But destroying things made their anger fade and they once again became tired and constructive, which led them to become energized with rage once again. This cycle continued with a group of flies putting in a wall only have another knock it out and then switch places. Cobbler flew to the mob (Cobbler was late as he had waited for his coffee to cool off, being unusually temperature sensitive for a giant indestructible radioactive tsetse fly), unaware of this new development and once more tried to convince the mob to stop destroying the city. Cobbler gave an impassioned plea urging the mob to stop the destruction and help rebuild to make amends. To Cobbler’s great surprise the flies were very receptive to his plans as they were tired of this oscillations between destroying, rebuilding, un-building and non-destroying, and hoped this may work. The mob of flies went to work re-building the destroyed parts of the city, however as they were so tired, so little re-building of the city took place that the rest of it was leveled in a matter of minutes. The mob in high spirits that their plan worked flew away to the next city on their list leaving Cobbler behind, utterly bewildered as to what just occurred.

╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛╘╕╒╛

Joe was equally confused but for an entirely different reason. Standing before him was a man pulling paper out of the recycling bin and vengefully throwing it into the garbage. The man cackled with glee at every scrap he threw in, becoming more and more delighted as the trashcan became full. Joe was sure the man would be trouble and he was even more sure that he certainly did not want to talk to him.
“Greeting sir!” cried Joe, who did not squelch his inner hippy fast enough “May I inquire as to why you are un-recycling that paper? Don’t you want to save trees?”
“Save trees? Save TREES? SAVE TREES!?” The man spun around with a wad of paper in his hands and a look of revenge in his eyes “Why would I save trees? My parents were killed by a rain forest, and now I will not rest until I have destroyed every last tree!”
“That’s absurd, a tree isn’t capable of intentionally killing people. Your attempts at revenge are almost as absurd as your methods, the amount of paper you are not recycling adds up to maybe a tree or two at most.”
“You may try and stop me with your silly reason and ridiculous logic but my masterfully created plan will not fail. Soon another tree will be cut down to supply paper, and with that tree being gone the hundreds of seeds it would have created over its life will also be gone. All those trees that will now never grow will remove even more potential trees from existing. With each generation the number of trees destroyed grows exponentially, soon the number of trees that no longer exist due to the destruction of that one tree will be so great that there will be no trees left in the entire world! This is by far the most efficient and effective way of ensuring that all trees will be destroyed.”
Joe, certain this man would be best fled quickly from, prepared to quickly flee. “Look out!” he cried pointing behind the man “There is a tree coming right after you!” Joe turned and ran as fast a possible, not because of the man, who only warranted a quick skedaddle but because there actually was a tree coming straight for them. The man looked in horror at the oncoming tree, but then his expression changed to a grim determination. He grabbed the garbage can full of un-cycled paper and dumped it into the retroactive trash receptacle (for throwing away then the waste you have now). The oncoming tree shrieked in rage at seeing its brethren carelessly tossed from one pile of waste to another. It brought up its limbs ready to strike when all of a sudden the tree stopped and started to shake. The man’s plan had indeed worked, the tree continued to shake more and more violently until it ceased to exist, along with every other visible tree.
“Thank you sir for that warning” Said the man to Joe, suddenly looking much calmer and more sane. “I have gotten my vengeance upon the trees and now they will never again cause any trouble. I am in your debt, please let me know if there is anything I can do to repay you”
“Well I am trying to find the magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers to ask it how to stop the giant radioactive tsetse flies that tickle people to death as I’m sure that that will somehow allow me to get back home to the correct side of the page.”
“I know of this magic-8 ball of close-but-not-quite-correct-answers, it is located in the great forest, once inside the forest you just need to follow the green leaved trees and it will get you there straight away. The entrance to the forest is over there.” The man gestured towards what was now a great barren plain. “I wish you luck on your quest, I must be off to spread the good news of this great victory today, and remember follow the green leaved trees lest you be lost forever in the forest.” The man knocked over the nearest trash can and leaped upon it and rolled off into the distance leaving Joe to find his own way to the vast barren great ‘forest’.