Month: July 2010

*Happiness cannot be bought, but long term lease options are available

Fortunately for Gorloth the door to the tsetse flies’s stronghold had dried out since the last attempt to evict the flies and thus the knocking did in fact result in an audible sound. Sadly today was acoustic burger night and thus the flies heard the knock but thought it was coming from the basement. This resulted in a mass exodus flies to outside as they were scared of the creepy knocking sound from under them. The flies poured out of the house like ketchup from a glass bottle, which is to say not really at all until Gorloth looked right at the door, and then they surged over him like a tidal wave.
“Help!” cried Gorloth, who had a wave of sea green sailor hydrophobia wash over him “I’m drowning in flies and all the aquatic words that keep surfacing!”
The tsetse flies heard the cries for help and splashed over, however they were all under the influence of acoustic burgers and thus ended up randomly bobbing around the yard in search of the imperiled person. They darted back and forth, up and down but no matter where they looked they heard cries of help in a different direction. Suddenly one of the flies was struck with a brilliant plan, he started to listen where he wasn’t looking and sure enough that happened to be to source of the noise to which the fly went.
“Ahoy! What ails you multicolored sir?” queried the fly as he landed atop Gorloth’s inexplicable briefcase. “Are you in need of some assistance? Perhaps you would like a fresh acoustic burger, it was made with highest quality probably foods.”
Gorloth staggered to his feet, overcome by this fly’s generosity he knew he could no longer use these flies as a dumping ground for unwanted emotions. These flies were people too (for a loose definition of people) with their own feelings and emotions, using them as a way to dispose of unwanted emotions would be such a waste of these flies when they could be used as a source of desired emotions. If people were willing to pay top dollar to get rid of unwanted emotions just imagine what they would pay to be able to buy wanted emotions, such as contentment, generosity, excitement and happiness*.
Gorloth quickly whipped out his proposal presentation and made the necessary modifications to convince the flies that right now was an all time high for the price of positive emotions, and that by selling now they could buy back later for a fraction of the cost thus netting them copious amounts of money that they could use to relocate themselves to a much nicer neighborhood in parallel dimension perpendicular to this one. Unfortunately all the racket of papers shuffling and presentation rehearsing sounded like and oncoming train to the acoustically impaired flies and as flies hate trains that come on they fled back into their stronghold and locked the door leaving poor Gorloth stranded outside in the waning light with only his black fear of darkness to comfort him.

With the imprisonment of Aaron The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) was getting nervous, two heroes had failed to rid the land of the tsetse fly menace and it was soon time for annual performance reviews. The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) put all available resources (except the ones for the candy store) into finding a hero that would actually save the world and not just look good for the advertisements.
The new hero had to be brave, dedicated, strong and most of all have a catchy name, after all why bother getting the world saved if nobody can remember the name of the person who did the saving? Thus a catchy name committee was created to catch any characters with catchy names. Unfortunately the committee could only catch one catchyly named character before the word catchy was used enough times to render it a non-word and thus they had to go with Gorloth the Green, the mighty warrior from a place with a much less catchy name.
Despite the name, Gorloth was infact Green, Green with the envy of a thousand burning suns! But Gorloth was also Blue, Blue with the sadness of hundreds of happy children, and Red, Red with the fury of tiny little tweezers. Gorloth happened to be many colors with the emotions of many people and things, for Gorloth the Green was in the business of displaced emotion. He would adopt your emotion for a nominal fee and leave you free from the burdens of having to deal with it, resulting in the betterment of everyone (except that time he bought all the Golden happiness of all his neighbors).
Gorloth the Green had a simple plan to not only save the world from the tsetse fly threat but also substantially increase his business capacity. He would trick the flies into becoming partners in his business and then he could unload all the Brown laziness of beavers and Deep blue sleepiness of insomniacs onto the flies thus rendering them too tired and lethargic to continue their rein of terror.
Suddenly the Mauve paranoia of cacti coupled with the Silver greed of philanthropy overcame him. What if the flies were better than he was? What if they took all his business? What if they stole his customers right out from under him and shifted full-time to their new stolen jobs, thus simultaneously ending the rein of terror and taking the credit for it while gaining a monopoly in a high demand market!? This was too much thinking for Gorloth’s puce ignorance of scientists and thus he stopped and continued on his quest. Gorloth neared the flies’s stronghold and with the yellow fear of a warrior he knocked on the door.

*Cheesey poofs available for $58.95 wherever cheesey poofs are sold

Aaron set forth to accomplish his goal of stopping the tsetse flies nefarious acts, but first he had to develop a plan, a plan that would rid the world of the flies as well as end the suffering caused by his not very full stomach. In order to solve the latter (and possible the former) problem Aaron went forth for a quest of food. His journey took him far and wide (about 10 feet actually) until he stumbled upon an unusual structure, it was a small pyramid of sticks and other miscellaneous debris with a bright orange triangular chip balanced atop it. Immediately recognizing the chip as belonging to one of the major food groups of tasty (the others being not tasty and dirt) Aaron proceeded to abscond with the chip and commenced devouring it.
“How dare you?” squealed a high pitched little voice “that chip was a sacrifice to the grand chip, the sender of all things that crunch and turn one’s fingers orange!”
“Egads!” cried Aaron “your poorly developed religious view and ill-mannered retort have left me sounding much more eloquent and well spoken than I am usually portrayed!” Aaron decided that he had had enough of this bizarre persona being thrust upon him and proceeded to kidney “punch” the small Dorito altar into an even more disorganized pile of rubble and the “kidney” punched the small chip worshiper’s most vulnerable spot, his bag of sacrificial snack chips.
“Aaahh!” screamed the chipist “those chips still had two weeks before the ‘sacrifice for best freshness’ date! You have made a foolish mistake today, for you have incurred the wrath of the most powerful snack food industry” at this he pulled out his automatic snack summoner and pressed the button.

INSERT CHEESEY POOF!*

A man appeared in a fine business suit coated in a thin layer of bright orange nacho cheese flavored like substance.
“What horrors upon a snack food has occurred warranting summoning me, an agent of the chip?”
“This man has disgraced the chip, he destroyed my altar, ate my sacrifice and destroyed my bag of extra chips.”
“Surely more must have occurred to warrant my presence. Consuming the sacrifice means another chip must be purchased, likewise destruction of the altar means purchase of another ‘chip sacrifice made EZ’ kits (available at 8:44, all restrictions apply) and best of all, the destruction of your chip bag means yet another (and most expensive) purchase. If this is the only crime that this man has committed he is deserving of a metal of ‘employee of a weekness’ not one of punishment.”
“Woot!” interjected Aaron.
“Oh no, his crime is much worse than that” explained the chipist “this man here only ate one chip!”
“What?” cried the chip representative, “Nobody can eat just one! Take him away!” at this two crunchy chip slaves appeared. “You may care to know these people have been specially selected to arrest you, they are immune to your special kidney punches as they have had their kidneys removed!”
“Aw scuz!” cried Aaron, who was easily captured and put to work in the chip mines.

The chosen hero couldn’t come to save the universe because he was busy laundering his cat. He did however send in a nice exploding cabbage “fruit” basket in apology. The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) has the basket carefully carried in (lest it inadvertently explode). As it was being carried in it started to violently shake, threatening to explode. Everyone braced themselves for the inevitable explosion but instead of a large “BOOM!” a small “hee hee, ho hoo hap!” was heard as Aaron (yes that Aaron) popped out of the basket and “kidney” punched on of the carriers in the chest and tripped the other with a well placed “kidney” punch to his leg.
“Halt!” commanded The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) “Under normal circumstances you would be imprisoned for cabbage impersonation, however your impressive display has impressed the impression that you would be a suitable replacement for the hero, what is your name potential hero?”
“Me Tarzan! Yo fat!” cried Aaron holding aloft a strange head shaped blob of clay impaled upon a stick.
“Although not wise to insult The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) your dedication is impressive, go forth and stop the menace of the flies!”