Chapter 50 – “Members Only”

Aaron exited the snack tunnels with a large bag of absconded snacks, eager to set out and enjoy his tasty plunder. However the man in the trench coat had different plans for Aaron. He would not have time to enjoy his snacks for he was destined for a destiny of successive successes. He would plunder to plunder and snacks to snack on later for now the action required was action. The trench coat man’s minions soon found Aaron and informed him of the information they had been given. The man in the trench coat knew this knowledge needed to necessitate Aaron’s cooperation and thus he had been specially formed it to form a need to help in the mind of the recipient. Upon receiving this knowledge Aaron, the recipient, knew what he must do. He set out to seek success in succeeding but failure at failing at the tasks he had been tasked to do. It was unclear what assignments he had been assigned to do but it certainly was certain that the work he worked to do would result in results that would make Joe succeed at what he was currently failing at.

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Joe approached the world saving supply depot filled with resolve and determination. He would not fail at this mission that had been set out before him. All the people of the world and perhaps even the entire universe depended on Joe and his ability to retrieve the fly swatter. There was no other way, all the other “heroes” that had gone before him had failed or made things worse. Now he was the last person available, if he did not succeed then the world would be left with no options other than surrender. And as cliché as it may sound surrender was not an option, the tsetse flies left unchecked would destroy the world with their nefarious tickilling and then they would spread like a plague to other worlds using their radioactive strength to reach the corner* of the universe.
Not only was Joe the last chance for the universe but this store was the last chance for Joe. The tsetse flies had become immensely powerful from their radiation exposure, not only had they become deadly in their abilities to tickle people but they were also nigh indestructible. The radiation had made them extremely tough and resilient, even their enhanced strength could not hurt them. They had become immune to almost all forms of attack and harm, the only known thing that could be effectively used to combat them was the fly swatter of ultimate power. The fly swatter could only be obtained at the store in front of Joe. The very store that was guarded by the much feared “Ned the Salesman”. But Joe knew what was at stake, no matter how fierce and dangerous the trip may be he must not fail. Even at the risk of his personal safety he must press on, the fate of the universe truly did rest upon him and he was the last shot at saving it. Complete success was the only viable outcome of this mission, anything less would not be good enough to stop the flies.
Thus with full knowledge of what was at stake Joe approached the store ready to face any terrible thing that lay before him. As the store came closer Joe could see through the windows the shadowy figure of Ned the Salesman darting about, giving product demos, sales pitches and ringing up customers nearly simultaneously. The strange man that had tried to warn Joe was right, Ned most certainly had superhuman abilities to multitask, it would not be possible to sneak in undetected. Despite the danger Joe pressed on finally arriving at the front doors. Just as Joe reached up to open the door he say something so terrifying and terrible that he became completely frozen. On the door were scrawled (in nicely printed text) “Members Only – apply inside”. Joe recoiled in horror, in order to purchase the much needed fly swatter of ultimate power Joe would have to become a member of this store. He would be forced to fill out an application and pay for the ability to spend his money at this store, and in return they would analyze his purchasing history and send him targeted advertisements. And Joe just hated getting junk mail, it was always such a letdown after the excitement of seeing mail in your mail box to realize it was nothing more than an impersonal targeted advertisement. There was only one option left, Joe would give up, he was ready to risk possible enslavement for life working off debt incurred at the hands of a powerful salesman but he was not willing to risk incurring junk mail. Having made up his mind that the risks (junk mail) were not worth the benefits (saving the universe) Joe promptly turned around and headed back the way he came.

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