Chapter 48 – Ned the Salesman

Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore rolled into the nearby town in search of an identity protection agency. Much to the despair of Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore the town he had entered currently had a surplus of tourists and a dearth of anything remarkable or interesting to wait in line to take pictures of. Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore was soon overwhelmed with hoards of people all wanting to see the amazing fly turned stunt cow national monument. The large crowd lined up to see the national monument further reinforced that identity and Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore became more and more like Mount Rushmore and less and less like that of an ordinary giant radioactive tsetse fly. Just little before it seemed completely hopeless he was grabbed by a strange looking shadowy figure hidden in an even more shadowy and strange looking shape. The strange occurrence of happenstance was confusing enough to deter the tourist who didn’t want to think to hard about what was actually going on, but for Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore it proved to be jarring enough to render him completely unconscious.


“Beware! Beware! All monies will be taken! The hoards of junk are coming!” cried the strange man who was running to Joe. “You must turn back before poverty strikes!” The man arrived waving what appeared to be a snow shovel made of ice and a large basket made of woven sausage links. “These” the main said gesturing towards his unusual objects “are just some of the terrible things to be thrust upon you. They will be piled upon you till you can afford no more and then you will be send penniless into the land!”
“Why is it that I always encounter such crazy people, why can’t I ever meet someone who is normal and not in a mad panic about stuff that is probably silly, irrational and or not actually a problem.” Joe had gotten used to his strange inability to directly speak and thus didn’t actually think that what he had said would be heard by anyone. Joe attempted to apologize for such an outburst but he seemed incapable, mostly because the man who seemed undeterred from the complaining interrupted him.
“The very fact I seem insane should serve as a grave warning to you, for I was most certainly normal before I made the foolish choice to venture near this haunted store. But one fateful day long ago I made the mistake of coming to this store to buy some good. It was so long ago that I can’t even remember what it was but it was surely was not worth the suffering and destruction that was brought upon me, for the moment I stepped into that store I was hunted by the terrible creature that protects that store, Ned the Salesman. According to legend Ned was originally a normal employee, a rather mediocre one at that. One fateful day Ned was putting away some supplies in the employee storage room when the shelf above him collapsed, raining down all the employee training videos and documents. The shelf also contained a large bottle of ‘absurdly super glue’ which broke open and covered Ned and all the training material. The glue fused the material with Ned giving him superhuman employee powers. His newly acquired powers obtained him the job of head salesman where his superhuman abilities allows him to sell anything to anyone, as long as they have the money to pay for it, and even then some cannot resist his abilities and continue to buy. Those poor souls become trapped by the store, forced to work in the basement factory producing random things until their debt is paid off. There is no way to sneak past Ned, he never takes breaks he doesn’t even require sleep as he is powered by the buzzwords of the employee training giving him a near infinite supply of power.”
“But if Ned never rests how could you have escaped? I must travel into that store to retrieve a fly swatter of ultimate power, the fate of the world rests upon it”
“While your quest seems noble I am afraid I cannot help, I only managed to escape because of a sudden arrival of a very wealthy customer which provided a sufficient distraction for Ned. However that was many years ago and he has subsequently been awarded many employee of the month awards greatly increasing his powers and abilities to multi task have been substantially improved. And now I must delay no further, for over there are more foolish potential customers needing warning.” At this the man ran off yelling “Beware!”
Joe was now left alone in quite a predicament, he needed to enter the store but he also had a strong desire to not become an eternal slave to an overzealous salesman. Unsure of how to proceed he sat down to contemplate his next move.

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